I'm Being Dragged, Again

It’s been a while; I haven’t been too immersed into drama lately. I just watched, find something interesting; some quotes or something about life, in the drama to write about. Sometimes I just found the story interesting and fun. But that’s all. The last few dramas I’ve finished was Doctors, Beautiful Gong Shim, Entertainer, Page Turner, Descendants of the Sun, and Oh My Venus (all in 2016). But none of them leave such an impact. The dramas that hit me so much was I Hear Your Voice, School 2013, Dream High, Secret Garden, Reply 1997, Healer and Kill Me Heal Me. This time, I got hit again, by W.

It’s been a while since I have this feeling, having too much impact in me that I’m unable to be rational with my real life for a few days. As if I’m being dragged into the drama, but I got dragged too deep, that I got lost. You know, last night, I had a dream. I was in the drama, as one of the character, but I can’t remember what I did or what happened. I just woke up and forgot everything. I wish I had remember it. So I could write it here. So I could still remember it after 10 years.

After the episode today, I got hit so badly. My heart, like it stopped beating for a while. After the scene ended, I found myself start breathing again. It was suffocating. It hurt so much. Guess I got in too deep. I should live now. My life. Real life. But losing it for some time wasn’t so bad. I want that too; enter the other world. I might not be able to sleep tonight.

“It’s a manhwa – whether he lives or dies, he’s just the main character of a manhwa” -Oh Yeon Joo

I shouldn’t get myself too much on it. They’re just characters. Created by human. Meant to be with happy ending. 

W EPISODE 10

Just one more time

“You can’t live only doing the things you like” - Yoo Hye Jung

There are times when things got too difficult. There are times when I just wanted to give up. There are times when I felt breathless, tired, suffocating. There are times when things just don’t go the way I wanted. At these times, I just wanted to sleep all day long and don’t want to wake up. Sometimes I wanted to scratch myself, so the pain would make the hardship go away. But I endured, I don’t know why and how, I just did. Now, looking back, it wasn’t so bad. But on that day, it was really bad. However, you can’t only live by doing things you like. You live by doing everything. By going through those times, you’ll feel like living. Just endure it, one more time, and another more, and slowly, you’re becoming the better person you are now.

-DOCTORS END-

Honestly, I'm Confused

Have you ever feel like so tangled? Like you don’t feel like doing anything. And you can’t even enjoy the things you like, because of the confusion lying inside. It was like, even watching drama or playing games weren’t exciting. It feels empty. As if something was missing. This weird feeling. What is it? It hurts. It makes me anxious all the time. I’m so uneasy so I’ll just go to sleep. 

 "Don’t try to be a person that people will like, just be someone that you yourself can like - Hong Ji Hong

DOCTORS EPISODE 12

I also have that, inferiority complex

“Seeing you makes me angry, and I don’t know why. I got angry, with myself” – Jin Seo Woo

For no reason, I just got angry, or maybe irritated, or maybe, just maybe, hurt? I don’t know why and I don’t even want to know, because I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this, but I just can’t help it. So I acted badly.

I really hate this feeling but it just won’t go away. That’s why we don’t talk to each other anymore. Because I hate it so much. Because I hate myself whenever I see you. Because you made me feel like a fool. Or maybe I am? Anyway I just hated it. But I don’t know if I hate you or not. I’m a bad person, I know that too. So just don’t bother me. Because I just might hate you more. Just as you know, hating hurts too.

DOCTORS EPISODE 10

Page Turner

A page turner is someone who stands up on the same stage as the pianist to turn the pages of the sheet music in time for the pianist to smoothly transition from page to page in the performance. Essentially, a page turner can both save and ruin a performance.

Just like a page turner in the piano performance, someone, or something, could be the page turner in our life. We just need the right time, the right place, and the right person, to help turning the page of our life. As for myself, right now, I’m still confused. Am I doing the right thing? Am I happy with what I’m doing? To be honest, what I love the most is writing. The sound of the keyboard clicking everytime I write, is very soothing, as fast as my heart beat.

"It was like a rainbow that sounded beautiful, it was unbelievably beautiful that it suddenly turns human into angel, and it made the world look like paradise. It was that kind of rainbow" – Jeong Chansik

Exactly. That was just the exact feeling. But I’m still not confident about myself. I’m not a genius. No matter how much I love writing, I just couldn’t write. Nothing came out of this head of mine. So I just scribble it here, at least I would smile by myself, just because, I love writing that much.

Find what makes your heart pound with passion and once you find it, take full ownership and run with it. This was like, the most perfect drama, for teenagers like us, to learn just a bit more about life, and about ourselves.

-PAGE TURNER END-

I Don't Know Anyone but You

Watching WGM has been my weekly routine for the past months. Every Monday, I would search for the newest episode of Sungjae and Joy. And if I have test the next day or busy the whole week, I would spare a day where I don’t have much work just to watch them. I don’t know why but I really enjoy watching them. Being playful and childish with each other, everything about them, I will definitely miss. It’s already ending, this is the last episode, I never thought I would actually cry just watching them. Joy cried very hard; it gets me very emotional as well. Ah how I wish they would actually date outside. Joy is about the same age as me, so what we’re thinking are almost the same. She really likes Sungjae, she must be thinking why can’t she just date the boy she likes? Why is it hard? Why it has to be like this? Why can’t we be the same anymore? But then, it was just a show, no matter how sincere they are, it’s just their work. At the end, everyone will be back to their own life, and everything will just become a mere memory.

My ideal type is definitely Yook Sungjae. Someone who’s playful, and doesn’t express himself much. He will always be sincere and caring. Someone who treats me like a child.

Why Do I Keep Staying

"Big Boss. He's smart, funny... and mysterious. But... he has a lot of secrets. He'll disappear from time to time. He'll be hard to contact. And then, one day... He'll never come back."

I don't know why but this is so awkward. I’m used to being left, out of sudden. So when you just talk about random things, it felt weird. I still tried, pretending that it was normal. But why did I do that? Why did I even try? I should’ve just go away. Because that’s what you did. Came as you pleased and then leaving when you felt like it. Tbh, I really wanted to tell you how awkward you’re making me feel right now. How things are not the same. And you have no idea how many things I want to scold you for. Why am I holding this? Why can’t I just let it out like I used to? Because it’s not the same anymore. It’s just not. Fix this for me. Please. 

-DESCENDANTS OF THE SUN END-

Us, both of us

Man and woman, are so different. I never really realized this, but man usually doesn’t express himself much, expecting woman to understand while woman on the other hand doesn’t understand just through action and need to hear the exact words in order to understand. Because, woman thinks too much, and tends to be confused. I was watching We Got Married, and Sungjae said that, “Trust. Because I trust Joy to feel the same way as I do, I can do anything comfortably around her. Because if Joy does it, I will still think she is lovely”.  Well, I couple shouldn’t be too comfortable with each other, but best friends should. (that’s why I think Sungjae-Joy relationship is more towards being best friends than a married couple)

Because nine years is long enough for a person to change, because nine years is long enough for a person move on, because nine years is long enough for a person to forget; maybe that’s why I thought “Ahh, we’re not 15 anymore, we’re not that close anymore, that person isn’t the same anymore”. So every time I want to call him first, I would think like 100 times and ended up not doing anything. But little did I know, that nine years is long enough to understand each other by heart.

Well, it’s been a while since we last talked to each other and of course neither of us wanted it to be awkward. But it has been so long that there were too many things to talk about that we don’t know what to talk about first. But the moment you initially talked about things that I know you hated and you don’t usually talk about, well, I was startled at first, I mean, why does he need to clarify this for me? Why do I need to know? Then I realized, that I’m still important, I’m still what I used to be to you. And I’m grateful for that.

“If a man does something that he doesn’t usually do, it means that person is important to him” – Jang Junseong

-OH MY VENUS END-

Please Turn Back Time for Me

“I had no time to look sideways. I look straight ahead so that I wouldn’t fall; I only looked ahead. I thought I had lived harder than anyone else around me, but where did it all go wrong?” – Hong Seol

When I write, it means I was thinking, and yeah, a while ago. After reading the manhwa ‘Cheese in The Trap’ which I found very amusing and addicting, I came across the part where they were given group assignment but it ended up with Seol doing all the works and their group got a D. The teacher told her, “when your group refuses to cooperate, you gave up on them right away and decided to do all the work by yourself, because it’s easier”.

Frankly, I would agree with the statement. As currently I’m doing a group project, it’s very stressful and tiring. I came up with something, well it’s my part so shouldn’t I do it my way? But it’s hard when others are not satisfied by my work. But the worst part is, they don’t trust you.

I categorize my classmates in three; the top students (who got the highest CGPA and all), the middle (who got slightly lower marks) and the bottom (who apparently doesn’t score well). I don’t know in which category others fit me in, but for myself, I think I’m in the third one. The worst about being in the bottom is that, they don’t trust you. That’s what happened to me. I was told to do certain part but that person just gave something she thought was perfect and asked me to copy it. What do you take me for? I spent some times searching for it myself and it’s my part, why do I have to do just because you think it’s right? They’re like that, bossing around as if I’m not capable enough. At least that’s how I feel. And I hate that.

I don’t know what went wrong, and I don’t know how to get up back. The battle has been endless for me. I know, everyone is having a hard time, everyone is struggling. I just have to keep going; but how long? How much further? I’m getting tired. But as long as I haven’t given up, it means I haven’t reach my limit yet. So I’m just going to fight harder, trying to find myself back, and be on the place I used to be again, I hope.

CHEESE IN THE TRAP EPISODE 3

Sometimes, I Think of You.

He bits the back of his pencil.

He puts his pencil between his ear.

He bits his nails.

He curls his hair by using his finger.

He blows his hair.

He writes poem, by using my name, once.

He writes on the board, his handwriting is round and big.

My memories are getting bad. Maybe I really stop thinking.

His laugh, his smile, how he walks, which foot he put in first when wearing shoes, his gaze, his breathing sound, which hand he raise when asking a question, his angry face; I don’t remember, or maybe I never knew. For today, it ends here.

"The sky is spinning. I must be crazy. I kept thinking of you" - Lee Suyeon

I MISS YOU EPISODE 9

I Wondered,

If you have been given a choice, an ugly victory or a beautiful defeat, which one would you choose? As for me, truthfully, I don’t know. Am I thoughtful enough to choose others before myself? Am I selfish enough to choose myself before others? I don’t know.

“Not succeeding by yourself, but failing together.

As you keep on living, 
Don’t you learn more about failure than you do about success?”

MOORIM SCHOOL EPISODE 4 

Honestly, I'm afraid

Pain.

Everyone has gone through it, or is enduring it right now. Either a little or a lot, it still hurts. Either mentally or physically, it still hurts. Either for just a short moment or long-lasting, it still hurts. That’s just how pain works, and that’s how we lived; through the pain. Because those who haven’t suffer won’t value the happiness. That’s just how people are, we need to fail to know the value of winning, we need to fall to know the value of success, we need to cry to know the value of a smile, and we need to lose someone to know how valuable they are. Because people takes things for granted, because they were never in pain. So once a while, it’s okay to be in pain, it’s okay to suffer, because that’s how we became stronger.

“When you’re a long-term patient at a hospital,

you realize that there are so many people in this world who are in pain.
Everyone is in pain, either a lot or a little, in their own way.
So, don’t cry. Everyone lives on through enduring their own burdens.”
 -  Kim Young Ho

OH MY VENUS EPISODE 9

Everyone has their moments.

 

"Rather than be suspicious of people, it's easier to trust them" - Chae Young Shin

Being suspicious, then you'll get this feeling - uneasy, anxious, confused, and tired. Thinking too much, doubting this and that, making assumptions, and hurting oneself; that's what it is. Frankly, long time ago, I have always been suspicious. But also long ago, I started to trust. I wait and wait and keep waiting without even once, have doubt. And guess what, since then, I live differently, I stop thinking and just start living, and it was great. Sometimes, that person came back, and I smiled back, just like the old days, and then I wait again. That short moment, was great. Thank you, for being there, and still being there. 

-HEALER END-

Close your eyes, and just listen

 

One of the type of people I hate the most is the one that thought they are so good that everything they do and think are right, judging based on what they see, and concluding their thought as the fact. This type of people, I hate. They don’t listen, they don’t understand, yet they judge. As if the world is circling around them, as if they are always right, as if other people don’t deserve to be heard. Tbh, there are times when I wish to hold a baseball bat or a golf club and just smash everything around me, but I’ll make sure to swing those to these people first. Because of them, rumours existed, slowly killing others. That is why rumours are more frightening than murder. Please, just please; stop judging when you know nothing. Don’t make a fool of yourself. Just stop talking and start listening, for once. Because not everything you believe is the truth.

HEALER EPISODE 11

Start breathing again

Fear.

Everybody has a least one fear, that no matter how hard we wanted to fight, it just won't go. The fear that stop a person from living, that made one became timid, that made each and every decision uncertain. And because of that fear, we became controlled; by our own fears. Rather than trying hard to overcome, it's better to just live your life without thinking of it, and soon the fear will disappear by itself. Because,

"Fear is something you make yourself" - Shin Segi

-KILL ME HEAL ME END-