You are not Me.

Some people are naturally born that way. But, who we were with, who we grew up with, what choice did we make, how did we live; don’t you think that can change what we might grow to be? Or we will keep being what we are born with?

In any case, don’t we want at least one person that can understand us? Who can understand why we chose this and that even their choices might be different. But, people are born different. They grew up in different way, being raised in different family, met different people, have different fears, experienced different things, and live different life. So, what we thought others might want, just because we wanted that, might be wrong. Nobody can understand us completely; because we are different.

-HELLO MONSTER END-

Whichever one you feed.

An old Native American chief told his grandson, “There are two wolves inside of us. One is evil — suffering from anger, envy, jealousy, arrogance, superiority. The other is good — having happiness, peace, love, hope, faith. These two wolves always fight inside of us.”

Then the boy asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”

And the grandfather replied, “Whichever one you feed.”

HELLO MONSTER EPISODE 7

It hurts, a lot

Why do I keep thinking that people are slowly leaving me? Or maybe they’re really leaving me. It was like, slowly, they are moving away from me. Why am I so insecure about myself? Maybe it’s just me; am I too paranoid? Am I the one making people stepping away from me? Well, maybe that is it. I mean, I am way too clingy. And I took things for granted, like when people needed me, I wasn’t even there, wait, is there even anybody who needs me? Arghhh I need to get rid of this kind of mindset. Just live your life the happiest, just stop thinking too much, why can’t I do that? Why is it so hard for me? Let’s take a breath, let’s survive. I should be thankful of people around me; instead of chasing the ones who leave. Let’s change, let’s be better.

"People do not die from suicide; they die from sadness." - Anonymous 

And no, I’m not thinking of killing myself.

Maybe it is...

HOLIDAY GATHERING PART II – MY HOUSE!

 So, my schoolmates came here last weekend, even it wasn’t easy and I thought they were just joking around about coming so I wasn’t expecting much, but they came for real so thank you guys~~ well, at first our plan was a bit ruined and things didn’t go much on our way and we (me and afiqah of course) thought it would be boring, but in the end, it was a great day and we made a great memory.

The five guys arrived here at about 3 AM, yes in the morning and I went to fetch them at 7 (they slept at TBS and do their own stuff so it’s okay) and we went to Alamanda Putrajaya but well, the only thing we did there was waiting for Zahier, Syahir and Nioor went to the toilet. Yeah, it was fun, sure HAHA because Kamal has a veeeeeryyyy long list of interesting stories so time just went by.

Then we went to IOI Putrajaya; looking for something to do. The guys played some sort of 5D simulation which looks fun, I wanted to join them but it doesn’t seem appropriate so I just watched them having fun >.< it was a tiring day but they made it fun so we were enjoying ourselves so thank you again guys.

The simulation looks awesome thou.

And then we met teacher Kasdianah! OMG I miss her sooooo much. It’s the first time meeting her after she moved from our school and she’s still pretty as usual. Teacher has taught us a lot and loved us like her own children. She was not only a teacher but also a mother, and a friend to us. She’s special to all of us and meeting her was the greatest thing; thanks to Zahier and Syahir for arranging this meeting well teehee. And I hope we could do like a huge reunion one day, where all of us could meet again, and just live like the old days.

 The next day – my house. There wasn’t much to do so as usual, they just came to eat and play FIFA pfft but it wasn’t that bad I think, well, I hope so. They’ve made a lot of effort to come here so I hope It was worth it for you guys and come again one day :)

So, while the guys are busy with themselves, girls; selfie mode on ^^

Hot Selling. Rare and Limited. PM for info.

Oh yes, and after sending the rest of them to KTM Nilai, Syahir and Zahier need to go to Shah Alam fast, and there wasn’t enough time so we decided to send them there so Zahier drove from Nilai to Shah Alam and I drove back here. It was my first time driving quite far from my territory (cehh) and I’m not even driving my own car. But it was a perfect experience, and fun, and I get to have a looong chat with Amal so yeah, double the fun since I haven’t seen her much lately. How I miss the old days – when we were so careless but still having fun.

A BIG SHOUT OUT AND THANK YOU FOR AFIQAH SAZALI, AMALINA ALIAH, ABDUL ZAHIER, SYAHIR HAZIQ, KAMAL ARIFF, NOOR HAFIZIE, FARID AZWAN, NAJWA NABILA, SHAFIQAH AZLI, AND MUHD SOLLEHUDDIN.

Let’s forget today and go back to those times.

Here we are, to conquer PAHANG! Ngee~ So, last week, finally, we’ve met each other again. They’re like my precious diamonds; always there for me whenever I need them. Even only a few days passed, I’m missing them already. This time, I’m going to write in both English and Malay, baru feeling gitu. Yela, bahasa jiwa bangsa.

First stop, Temerloh! So, I took a bus for the first time – and alone. Dan terlajak sampai woodlands lepas tu kastam mintak passport and I was like “hah? Tapi saya nak pergi larkin”. It was tiring but yeay, new experience for me. 12 hours in bus but it doesn’t get me moody at all, because I was soooo excited for this trip. ps; Nadia tampal P dekat kereta walaupun P dah habis supaya kereta lain berhati hati.

Second day – Kuantan! We went to TC for a picnic and got a special service from kawan kawan Nadia kahkah. So, tak sempat makan kenyang sebab kena kacau dengan kera but we took awesome selfies (or maybe groufies idk) and we’re having fun~ it’s been a while but we’re enjoying it like the old days, like we’ve never been apart and that was special.

Wajah wajah bahagia sebelum kena kacau dengan kera.

Behind the scene.

One of my fav pic.Tak tahu la kenapa, Acepika comel sangat mungkin.

Candid yall - yeah, we made awesome photographs.

 After wandering around with no plan, then bowling it is. One of my worse games but it was fun so it’s okay, plus, Nadia lagi teruk so tak kesah la kan. And guess what, Acepika improved, like, a lot so tahniah HAHA tinggallah Nadia sengsorang yang tak lepas 30 pun.

Jalan - jalan tanpa hala tuju = Selfies.

 And for the first time (for me), we played pool. It was an awesome experienced, and fun. Thanks to Adae yang banyak mengajar, Nampak tak jari saya dah pro main pool kahkah okay sebenarnya tak pro pun. But seeing Adae and Aimang played, wow they’re amazing. Lets play when we meet again okay guys ^^

Go Jijiel go!

Saya ambil gambar mereka dengan cantik dan hebat. 

This is one of the piece that I like the most. Idk, just simply awesome maybe.

Aimang in sexy mood. WOW 

Searching for things to just kill our time – Karaoke~ I never knew that Aimang could sing pretty well, I mean, he always fool around so when he’s serious, it was kindda of weird but impressive as well kekeke. And as usual, Jijiel killed it, her voice was just woaaa. And others, semua malu malu taknak pegang mic lagi lagi si Adae tapi Nadia nyanyi mengalahkan orang yang pakai mic, suara dia je kuat kahkah.

#Akuwanitadenganairmata

Muka bahagia selfie tanpa saya hmm. Nadia Glow in the dark.

Night – Ikan Bakar bak hiang. It was my first time eating out at night with friends and one of them is a guy (sebab Aimang kan geng telekung biru). Just chatting around talking about the most random things, but it was fun, because we have each other. Paling lawak masa makcik sebelah tu pandang je budak budak ni borak tak ingat dunia. 

And muka muka bahagia dapat makan free.

And the next day – Gambang! This was not on our plan, but since there’s nothing much to do so lets play in the water! (muka saya burn T.T) and yes, my first time going down children’s slide sebab Nadia eksaited sangat nak main. But hanging around like this, I’m definitely going to miss this moment the most. It was like, shooting a movie of our own. And the best part is, there aren’t much people so it was just us, doing whatever we wanted. 

And last but not least, selfies sampai lebam.

Abam Abam hansom. PM kalau berminat.

Kacau Aimang selfie. Mana aci selfie sengsorang!

Enjoying much.

Our theme of the day - Brown X Blue. We didn't plan this, but well, orang kata kalau dah jodoh tak kemana. Eh

 Our last date – Nasi Kukus My Mama. Well, usually, people get quite when eating, but for us, it just gets louder. There are so much to talk about and nobody is good at parting, so, more selfies – because we just want to keep this moments forever.

#Teamgatalhidung

Just ignore my weird face; muka tahan ketawa sebab Aimang ambik time untuk feeling acah acah sakitnya tu disini.

Pahang – Johor – Selangor – Perlis – Terengganu  – Kelantan

Nadia Syamin – Azila Mostafa – Anis Nadzirah – Anis Syafiqa – Syed Aiman – Adam Bakri 

Distance will never keep us away.

Because I'm Thankful

Yah! Gong Taegwang! How can you become soooooo attractive? >.< I didn’t expect School 2015 to end this fast tbh, I was enjoying watching it. How can Eunbi chose Han Ian over Gong Taegwang?! I mean, I would choose Taegwang for sure, and Han Ian looks a lot better with Eunbyeol; since they’ve been best friends for 10 years.

That’s it! This is the exact drama for me; that gave all the answers I need. Being best friend for 10 years doesn’t mean everything. Sure, it can be confusing sometimes; what are we? Yeah, I have that kind of friend; we’ve been close for almost 9 years now, and we still are.

“We have grown so much, many things have changed” – Go Eunbyeol

Yeah, a lot of things changed, that made me more confused than ever. But one thing that won’t change; what we are to each other. No matter how apart we are, how mad we are to each other, how embarrassed we are over something (or maybe is was only me?), it never gets awkward. Just when hearing your voice, or seeing your text, all the reasons just disappeared, because we know each other too well. Just like when I told you about someone I like, and when you told me about the person you like, tbh, I thought it would put us in a weird state, but it never does. How can we get apart over such a small thing? I won’t get away from you this time, I mean, how can I lose someone that’s so easy to order around?

ps: I haven't finished reading Falak yet because I really need to focus on it so let me finish my exam, just one more week. Heeee~ I've stop watching The Girl Who Sees Smell btw, because it's so addicting that I need to focus when I'm at it so it's better to watch after exam is over :)

Taegwang X Eunbi/Eunbyeol X Ian

-SCHOOL 2015: WHO ARE YOU END-

Wounds leave, scars don't

I was reading this book, and it talked about painful childhood memories; school. This girl was being bullied until she ended up killing herself. There was this time someone wrote offensive things on the board about her and the whole class laugh about it.

Why am I writing this? Because I’ve been there. I think I’ve been mentally bullied but I don’t really care about it. When I was thirteen; I was the class joke. Idk, people kept making fun of me and they even wrote insulting things about me on the board. I can still remember it clearly, when some of them ran, calling me to the class to see what they’ve wrote. You know what I did? I just came, look at it briefly, so I don’t remember things clearly, people are laughing; I laugh a bit and left. Idk why, it doesn’t offend me that much back then, it only hurts now. Maybe because I have my friends back then, who defend me, and cheer me up, and I was too happy to be sad. So, I don’t care.

Later, those guys apologize after I left the school and everything was okay as it never happened. I didn’t leave because of that thou, just simply because I can’t really study when I’m surrounded by people >.<

And there’s this one girl, who I’ve been closed to since I was ten, and she was the one scolding people who wrote bad things about me on the board, she was the one who’s always by my side; but I’ve never realized it. I did a lot of bad things to her, because I was too childish. Thinking about it, I felt stupid. She is amazing. She’s the bravest, smartest, toughest, and greatest person I have ever met. I wish I didn’t take her for granted when we were closed. I am really sorry, I miss you, and sincerely, thank you.

The Long Night's Memories

Memories. You know what; we tend to remember things that we wish to forget and forgot what we desperately want to remember. It’s like when you’re studying for a test, you have read everything but then, on the paper, you just can’t find back that particular memory. Maybe because you just read it lightly or decided not to focus much on it. Then, your brain just discards the memory; that’s how fascinating our brains are. Everything is well organized without us noticing it. And one more amazing thing; our brain can actually create memories. You can remember things that didn’t actually happen to you and though that it’s one of your memories; but it is fake; and you didn’t even realize that. I was sitting on a test, and I’m pretty sure Vitamin B₁₂ is called Cyanocobalamin and confident that was the answer (so, I wrote that) but it turned out that the active form of Vitamin B₁₂ is Methylcobalamin and I didn’t even remember that! I mean, my brain just replace my memory with another and I’m so frustrated =.=*

Sometimes, you gotta be bold.

“You can’t see effort. All an eye can see is the result. Therefore, other people’s successes are credited as innate genius, or a mere luck.” – Answer Me 1994

Normal people would try hard to achieve their dreams, but that doesn’t mean born geniuses people didn’t. Well, if they’re falling then maybe they didn’t work as hard. When average people suddenly became the top, people would say that it’s just luck. When the best drop down, then maybe they didn’t work hard enough. What if the best one isn’t the best from the beginning? It was hard work from the first and things just got harder to handle. Does that mean there’s no effort? What if those people already give it all and the result is still bad? Does that mean it wasn’t the best? The results speak for those people. Whether it’s good or bad, their effort could never been seen. That’s why people are cruel; they judge but they don’t even care.   

When your good isn't good enough.

What’s happening to me? Why am I getting so bad? I’ve hit the rock bottom; thrice. This time, I fell really hard. How can I get back up? Can I even get up? I thought this was not too hard for me but now I’m suffocating. Studying; that was what I always wanted to do, because I’m good at it. But after finishing school, I’m not getting better. In fact, I kept getting worse day by day. Did I study less? Did I play too much? Am I not good enough? I wonder; is this too hard for me to handle? Is this beyond my limitation? I have no choice now except to just keep trying harder. Wish me luck T.T

 

I want to believe in my dreams.

Lately, I’ve been dreaming about something; almost every day now that I had such dreams. It was so vivid that I could remember every detail when I woke up. But only for 10 – 15 minutes; then I forgot entirely about it. Last night, I dreamt about something again. I could remember it clearly; every single thing I did was so clear and seemed almost real. I kept thinking about it until now, that’s why I can still remember the dream. But, I couldn’t remember who the person in that dream was. In my dream, that person seemed like somebody I knew, but nothing that I could remember about that person except for the smile; in the dream. I wonder; do I know that person in reality? Why am I trying to remember?. People said that you’ll dream of the person you thought of before going to sleep. Sometimes it happened to me; but most of the time, it does not. I would be thinking of Woohyun before going to sleep and then dreamt about Hoya and the on the next day, I’d be falling hard for Hoya. Was it because my dreams were so vivid that I got confused? Well, dreams are always the best memories that no one would ever want to wake up from :)

Close your eyes, and take a breath.

Just because others are slightly different from you, does it make them not normal? If that the case, then everybody is not normal. People are different. Just like how their eyes, nose, lips are different, their mental also differs. That’s why not all people can understand you. If you give different choices to different people, the one they’d choose might be different. Trauma; does everyone have it? Or it is just simply a fear? Doesn’t fear come out of trauma? I’m not really sure what fear do I have, but I’m afraid of almost everything. When I’m driving, weird thoughts came to my mind; things like accidents and bloods; but I just keep driving despite how scared I was. But I don’t think I have any traumatic experience. And I think I have a fear of crowd (?); I can’t stand when strangers are staring at me; it gave me an extreme nervousness. It’s hard for me to present in front of crowd or talk; my mind went blank and I can’t think of anything at that moment. Everything that I had planned just disappeared. I can’t even remember what I said. Are these disorders? Am I not normal? I used to be brave; or at least I pretended to. Did I lose all my strength? I used to be okay getting injected or poked but lately, I’m scared of it. But no matter how hard it is, just control your mind; don’t let the mind control you.

Today, Ahn Sojin just passed away. She jumped from the tenth floor. Maybe she taught her burden was too hard for her to handle. Depression; that’s some sort of mental illness too. When you taught it’s too hard, you just want to end it, right? But don’t you think you should give another try? In anything, just keep going, no matter how hard, just do it. You wouldn’t know whether you can handle it or not unless you try. So just keep giving yourself another try. I know, saying is easier than doing it; but nobody else can help if you don’t want to help yourself. 

Just live you life Happily.

There’s only one way to destroy your parents; and that is by spoiling yourself. So, if you want to take revenge on them, try making yourself miserable and just hit the rock bottom, your parents will feel that the most. And to make your parents happy, make them proud of you. Be the best person they had ever wanted so they’d feel lucky to have you. Making your parents proud of you is the best gift a child could ever give.

Being on holiday like this, I treasured the time with my family a lot. Everytime my parents asked to go out on a trip, I’m really excited and looking forward for it. Usually, I’m the type that would just cuddle in blanket and watch drama but now I just want to spend more time with them. We rarely got to spend time as five since we’re busy with our studies and all three of us stayed in hostel. So, when all of us are at home like right now, it’s really fun. Looking forward for our fishing trip tomorrow~! Right now, every second is just precious ^^