Count Your Blessings

If you started counting your blessings, won’t you be more grateful? Instead of seeing what you don’t have, isn’t seeing what you have is better? I think it started few years ago, when I started counting my blessings. I have so many things that I’m scared. Because having a lot means that I have a lot to lose too. So I started to be more grateful, to cherish more of what I have. One of my precious blessing are my friends.

I’ve always been blessed with great friends around me, those who made me a better person. Those who helped me to realize my worth. Those who helped me to not fall into the bad side. I have lots of friends that I cherished, more than I could ever wished for. And by that, I mean the good ones who were always there when I’m happy or sad. Sometimes, I felt guilty that I haven’t been a good friend to them.

There are this two people that I wanted to write about.

She doesn’t trust people. At some point, she lost every emotion that is to have. Then she started trusting me, opened herself up, and freely expressing her emotions. She’d be happier than me, and sadder than me, when something happened to me. A friend like this don’t just fall from the sky you know. She’d take any risk for me, find any ways for us to just meet, listen to my long stories, and sometimes scold me just like my mom would. Somehow, I felt secure, to have her around.

Then this one, she is very selfless. She always thinks of others before herself. So whenever I tell her something, she’d do her best to understand me, to react to my stories, to give the best advices for me. I like it when someone listen to my stories, because I always have so many things to tell. Then she’d share her stories too, then the two of us would listen well too.

I always write here about this person that I like. Well, everyday, I talked to them, about him. I’d tell every details, from every seconds, and every emotions I had throughout the day. They’d listen or read it enthusiastically, react to every story, and sometimes be happy or sad or angry for me. It’s nice you know, to have someone who’s always on your side.

Having you guys are one of my best blessings.

Just look at our bright future

We all started at different points, in a different race, at a different pace. If we keep comparing ourselves to others, then we’ll never win the race. The one we should beat is ourselves.

I remember when I got my SPM result, I got 8A1B. To some people, it’s really great. But to me, it was disappointing. I could’ve done better, I could’ve gotten straight As, I know I’m able to do that. Because that was my race. It’s not that I’m not grateful, but because I felt like I didn’t do my best, because I felt like I’ve lost the race. As I was always on top of the class, I’ve always studied hard, and it felt easier to keep myself floating; to be consistent. Once I’ve stumbled, it got harder to get back up. Like during my foundation and degree years, I kept on falling, and couldn’t find my way to get up. I’ve drown. I lost the race of my own.

You were different. You didn’t do well in school and SPM. So you took pra-diploma, and you did so well that you managed to continue your study in Pharmacy. You said you never knew you could do well in studying, but you did. Just look at you know. 15 years back, you probably wouldn’t guess you’ll get this far. You started at different pace, a little late, but still manage to do fine. I’m sure you’re proud of yourselves. You said you didn’t want to be the slave of money, to work for money. Instead, you wanted to be free of whatever you’re doing.

Then there’s him. He who did so well during primary school. He was the top student, the model student, the president of the student body. He was amazing. I don’t know what happened to him, but he kindda lost himself during secondary school. While I was at my prime, he was falling. But since he was twelve, he has always had this dream, to be free. He hated small confined suffocating office. He always wanted to be able to utilize his creativity and imagination freely, to be free doing what he likes. To be limitless. And now, he still hasn’t change. He still has the same dream, still pursuing, still passionate.

I? Where did I went? Where did my dreams went? I used to be ambitious and confident. I used to know exactly what I wanted. But now I’m confused. But seeing you two, made me think, I should start again. I should get myself back up. It’s never too late, whether you’re 24 or 32, you can always find yourself again. I think I know where I’m going to. Having a goal, made it easier, you know. So now, I just have to go through the right path. I’m going to finish my race.

Thank you, both of you.

Today was horrible, until it wasn’t

Actually, it wasn’t that horrible but definitely not good. So, I changed my shift to a bit later (10:30 AM until 7:00 PM) because of my assignment. I knew you’ll be working night shift today so I was kindda hoping to meet you after the discussion (for the assignment).

So supposedly, I’d be working with this akak for the evening shift but I got to know today that she changed her shift, so I was stuck with two guys whom I’d always wanted to avoid, for the evening. Like, literally only three of us. Just imagine how awkward it was. Luckily, I have lots of own works to do so I just kept myself busy but it felt like the longest hour ever, it was killing me. I didn’t talk at all and just sat there, staring at empty spaces, waiting for the clock to strike 7.

So after seven, I went to the inpatient pharmacy to discuss about the assignment. I knew you would come early, I don’t know how but I just knew. And I was right. Night shift started at 9:00 PM but you came in around 8:15 PM and you saw me, “eh, tak balik lagi? Buat apa rajin sangat ni”. I was shocked to see you, I wasn’t prepared that you’d come that early. I thought it’d be around 8:30 or so.

Then my friend started to tease us, and I just smiled. Idk, I just laugh it out but I’m afraid if it’d put you in awkward situation. But honestly, idk how to react. I’m glad that it doesn’t get awkward, not even a bit.

So after I was done with the discussion and was about to go home, I saw you were reading. So I started asking this and that. So we just naturally started talking and I started telling you about my flat tire, about the parking and idk, anything random that pop in my mind. Weirdly, you were happy to hear my story. I talked a lot and you were responding to it with a smile, and were laughing too. Seeing you smile like that, just made the whole day better. Amazing, right? Ten minutes with you just made my whole day felt great.

I’m in so much trouble.

It’s cliché, but I liked it anyway

Just for the record, I’m really into romantic types of movies and dramas. And lately, I’m soooo into romantic movies, but more to the teenage-high school/college version. There’re several movies that just get me, like, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, The First Time, Keith, Restless, Letters to Juliet, Me Before You, 10 Things I Hate about You, She’s the Man, Just Like Heaven, The Duff, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, and the list would be endless so I’ll stop here. And most recently, like, few minutes ago, I just finished watching The Perfect Date.

So, what are the similarities between these movies?

First of all, obviously, there’re cliché with typical romantic comedy plots and happy endings. But somehow, I liked that. Maybe because I’ve never experienced it before so secretly, I wanted to fall in love and being loved. Okay this is making me cringe. Moving on.

The main part that I like about these movies is how the relationship is built. They didn’t start with romantic interests, but by being friends at first. When you’re just being good friends, you can just be yourself without having to be afraid of the other person’s expectations on you. When you like someone, you naturally wanted to be close to him/her, get to know them, and unconsciously trying to impress them. But when you’re just friends, you won’t be trying hard to impress the other person.

The difference between being friends because you like that person and liking that person after being friends is that – the expectations vs reality. You might like someone because he’s handsome, or because he’s smart, or because he’s polite; but you’ll have expectations on him, and the reality might be different. But if you like him after knowing him, then you’re liking him for the person he is, without expecting who he should be; you're seeing the reality first.

Like when we first met, I didn’t fall for you that instantly you know. It’s just that we started talking to each other and I got really comfortable. I guess that’s when I started falling for you, because I’m comfortable around you, I can be myself around you without the fear of being judged. I can tell you about myself, and sometimes I even told you things that I’ve never really told anyone before. But after realizing that I have this weird feelings for you, I started being cautious of not saying too much that might make you hate me. But weirdly, every time we talked and when I got comfortable, I just started being myself again when I’m around you. I like listening to your stories, I like arguing with you, I like it when you listened to my stories, I like when you’re just clowning around, I just simply like you for whatever you are. And right now, I really like being your friend. So I’m gonna keep it that way. I’m gonna show you all of myself, even if it’s bad, because I believed you've already shown me a lot of yourself.     

I Like Talking to You

For some reason, I’m scared that I disappointed you. I told you that I like to write and I actually can write. But what if I was wrong? What if I’m actually not a good writer? So let me try to write more generally instead of writing like I was talking to you.

Agree to disagree, well, that was our topic but we didn’t manage to finish our arguments so it kindda left me hanging. (Edit: we finished the arguments few days after so I guess you got my points even you’re kindda hard to talk through, you still listened. Another plus point for you)

What is actually meant by the term ‘agree to disagree’?

For you, it means ending the arguments so we’d stop fighting. You said that not everyone has the same opinion and it’s easier to just let it go. Everyone has different points of view and it depends on the person. You said, why do we need to argue on something when we can just settled with our own belief?

For me, it’s giving up. It means I’m right and you’re wrong, while from your side, you’re right and I’m wrong, so we agree to disagree each other’s opinions and the case is closed. I hated that.

Let me give you an example. Take the number 6 as example, I see the number 6, but you from the other side would see it as 9. Agree to disagree means I’d believe it is 6 and will never be 9, you’d believe it is 9 and will never be 6. So that’s it, no arguments and keep our beliefs to ourselves.

Why not, you could come next to me and look from my side, you’d see 6. And I could come to you and look from your side, I’d see 9 too. Why can’t we talk and understand from each perspectives? Everyone has different point of view, but why can’t we shared each other’s point? Wouldn’t that be easier for us to understand each other more? If we keep believing in our own beliefs and discarding other’s, then forever we won’t be on the same track. Forever, our conception can never meet. Won’t it left us with regrets? So, I strongly oppose the idea of agree to disagree.