I won't promise, but I'll try

"Show me your scar, so that I can love you more" 

Did you know that? Lately, we got extremely close to each other. We just got really comfortable. You started to open up about things you don’t usually tell others, and so did I. We started talking about our family, and ourselves. Then you started showing me this new side of you, which I’ve never seen or thought of before; your scar. You started showing me more of yourself, and I’m amazed by you more.

You know what makes my heart flutter? When you started using ‘us’, when you put ‘us’ as an example in the situation. As if, you’re considering if ‘us’ is actually possible.

Then I started asking you this,

“Kau rasa, ada tak benda yang kau tak pernah cerita dekat orang lain sebelum ni, tapi kau cerita dekat aku?”, then you paused for a moment.

“Haah. Ada lah, macam pasal family aku, aku tak pernah pun cerita dekat sesape”

“Kau rasa kenapa?”

“Hmm, sebab aku rasa takde orang nak tahu pun? Dan sebab aku rasa kau takkan cerita dekat orang lain pun”

“Sebab aku trust kau dulu”

“Haah. Trust. Betul lah apa kau cakap”

Yeah, trust is such a big word, I know. For someone with trust issues like you, who kept pushing people away, trusting someone is probably really hard right? At first, I was glad that I’m able to open you up. But know I’m kindda scared. What if I ended up hurting you too? What if I stepped over the line? I’m trying my best not to, but I’m still a human. If I got too close and made you uncomfortable, please tell me so. I don’t want to hurt you.

But there’s one thing I’m sure that you’re different from him. He doesn’t want anyone to get too deep into his life, while you just haven’t found the person to listen to you. I’m here, I’ll listen to you, and I’ll be there for you. I’m trying to, at least.

And thank you. Usually, I would go to you. But yesterday, you came to me. Thank you for letting me in.

Can you Show your Heart?

Have you ever feel the urge to tell someone about something? Like when even the smallest thing happened, you just wanted to tell that person. When something happened, that person is the first thing that came into your mind. I felt that.

You know, whenever I went back home and something interesting happened, I can’t wait to tell you about it. When I heard a joke, I can’t wait to use it on you. When I’m happy, I wanted you to be the first person to hear it. When I’m sad, I wanted you to listen to me. When I found and interesting book or a good drama, I wanted to share it with you. When I read something funny, I wanted to share it with you. When I went to eat something good, I want to bring you there. Lately, you were into cooking something simple to yourself so when I saw interesting recipe, I can’t wait to show you. Everyday, I talked to myself, pretending I was talking to you. Everyday, I have lots of questions to ask you. Everyday, I wanted to know about you, to listen to you. Everyday, I think of you. But I have to limit myself so it was killing me. There’s so many things I want to tell you about.

You felt it too, right?

When you were on leave last week, you sent me the picture of a book with the synopsis, you said you wanted to share about it with me. You told me that your parents went out of town so you have to cook for yourself and you hurriedly showed me the picture of what you cooked even I was about to go home at that time. You went out with your nephews and showed me the pictures of you playing archery (it was really cute honestly I wanted to keep that picture). Then there’s this other book you’re currently reading and you sent me photos of few pages that you like (half an hour after I got home because I’ve finished my work and you’re on break. I mean, we just met half an hour before but you just can’t wait until tomorrow to tell me about it, right?). When you received an interesting text, you showed me. When you taught of something funny, you tried it on me. When you were talking or joking with others and I gave a puzzled look, you gladly told me about it. You said your parents won’t be at home this weekend so you’d want to cook for yourself, so you found this easy recipe. At that time, I was talking to someone else but you were looking at me as if you wanted to tell me something so I went to you, leaving the conversation (because I’d always choose you over anyone. Crazy right?). Turned out, you wanted to tell me about the recipe you found. Honestly, my heart can’t handle you. You’re too cute I’m going crazy. That time, your lips were bleeding because of ulcer and it was bad. I went to check on you then you told me about how you get that ulcer and everything, even joked about it. I don’t want you to talk too much because it’ll hurt, but you just keep telling me stories and I just love hearing it. You’re really comfortable around me, right? Then there’s this one time when we didn’t get to have our lunch at the same time. Usually we got the same break time and spend the hour at the pantry, eating and talking. But few days ago, your lunch time was at 1, while mine was at 2. Weirdly, you didn’t go to the pantry (downstairs) but eat upstairs instead. That was weird enough then after finish eating, you called me to talk about this videos you saw yesterday. You know what’s weirder? I don’t usually watch those kind of videos but the night before, I intuitively watched it, and was about to show you those videos. Crazy right? The first one was a review on a Korean drama ‘Sky Castle’ which I had been trying to persuade you to watch, and the other one was about Kodokushi (lonely death) which had made me thinking of you. I want to send the link to you that night but you might not reply me so I decided to talk about it during the day. Turned you, you wanted to tell me about it too. But you thought I didn’t have internet connection. Honestly, what is this weird feeling?

Now I’m getting more and more confused. Please stop pushing me away. I’m not strong enough I don’t know how long I’d stay if you keep pushing me.

"How to know if you like that person?" - Go Hyemi

"It's the first person who came into your mind when you're happy or sad" - Kim Pilsuk