The Long Night's Memories

Memories. You know what; we tend to remember things that we wish to forget and forgot what we desperately want to remember. It’s like when you’re studying for a test, you have read everything but then, on the paper, you just can’t find back that particular memory. Maybe because you just read it lightly or decided not to focus much on it. Then, your brain just discards the memory; that’s how fascinating our brains are. Everything is well organized without us noticing it. And one more amazing thing; our brain can actually create memories. You can remember things that didn’t actually happen to you and though that it’s one of your memories; but it is fake; and you didn’t even realize that. I was sitting on a test, and I’m pretty sure Vitamin B₁₂ is called Cyanocobalamin and confident that was the answer (so, I wrote that) but it turned out that the active form of Vitamin B₁₂ is Methylcobalamin and I didn’t even remember that! I mean, my brain just replace my memory with another and I’m so frustrated =.=*

Sometimes, you gotta be bold.

“You can’t see effort. All an eye can see is the result. Therefore, other people’s successes are credited as innate genius, or a mere luck.” – Answer Me 1994

Normal people would try hard to achieve their dreams, but that doesn’t mean born geniuses people didn’t. Well, if they’re falling then maybe they didn’t work as hard. When average people suddenly became the top, people would say that it’s just luck. When the best drop down, then maybe they didn’t work hard enough. What if the best one isn’t the best from the beginning? It was hard work from the first and things just got harder to handle. Does that mean there’s no effort? What if those people already give it all and the result is still bad? Does that mean it wasn’t the best? The results speak for those people. Whether it’s good or bad, their effort could never been seen. That’s why people are cruel; they judge but they don’t even care.   

When your good isn't good enough.

What’s happening to me? Why am I getting so bad? I’ve hit the rock bottom; thrice. This time, I fell really hard. How can I get back up? Can I even get up? I thought this was not too hard for me but now I’m suffocating. Studying; that was what I always wanted to do, because I’m good at it. But after finishing school, I’m not getting better. In fact, I kept getting worse day by day. Did I study less? Did I play too much? Am I not good enough? I wonder; is this too hard for me to handle? Is this beyond my limitation? I have no choice now except to just keep trying harder. Wish me luck T.T

 

I want to believe in my dreams.

Lately, I’ve been dreaming about something; almost every day now that I had such dreams. It was so vivid that I could remember every detail when I woke up. But only for 10 – 15 minutes; then I forgot entirely about it. Last night, I dreamt about something again. I could remember it clearly; every single thing I did was so clear and seemed almost real. I kept thinking about it until now, that’s why I can still remember the dream. But, I couldn’t remember who the person in that dream was. In my dream, that person seemed like somebody I knew, but nothing that I could remember about that person except for the smile; in the dream. I wonder; do I know that person in reality? Why am I trying to remember?. People said that you’ll dream of the person you thought of before going to sleep. Sometimes it happened to me; but most of the time, it does not. I would be thinking of Woohyun before going to sleep and then dreamt about Hoya and the on the next day, I’d be falling hard for Hoya. Was it because my dreams were so vivid that I got confused? Well, dreams are always the best memories that no one would ever want to wake up from :)

Close your eyes, and take a breath.

Just because others are slightly different from you, does it make them not normal? If that the case, then everybody is not normal. People are different. Just like how their eyes, nose, lips are different, their mental also differs. That’s why not all people can understand you. If you give different choices to different people, the one they’d choose might be different. Trauma; does everyone have it? Or it is just simply a fear? Doesn’t fear come out of trauma? I’m not really sure what fear do I have, but I’m afraid of almost everything. When I’m driving, weird thoughts came to my mind; things like accidents and bloods; but I just keep driving despite how scared I was. But I don’t think I have any traumatic experience. And I think I have a fear of crowd (?); I can’t stand when strangers are staring at me; it gave me an extreme nervousness. It’s hard for me to present in front of crowd or talk; my mind went blank and I can’t think of anything at that moment. Everything that I had planned just disappeared. I can’t even remember what I said. Are these disorders? Am I not normal? I used to be brave; or at least I pretended to. Did I lose all my strength? I used to be okay getting injected or poked but lately, I’m scared of it. But no matter how hard it is, just control your mind; don’t let the mind control you.

Today, Ahn Sojin just passed away. She jumped from the tenth floor. Maybe she taught her burden was too hard for her to handle. Depression; that’s some sort of mental illness too. When you taught it’s too hard, you just want to end it, right? But don’t you think you should give another try? In anything, just keep going, no matter how hard, just do it. You wouldn’t know whether you can handle it or not unless you try. So just keep giving yourself another try. I know, saying is easier than doing it; but nobody else can help if you don’t want to help yourself. 

Just live you life Happily.

There’s only one way to destroy your parents; and that is by spoiling yourself. So, if you want to take revenge on them, try making yourself miserable and just hit the rock bottom, your parents will feel that the most. And to make your parents happy, make them proud of you. Be the best person they had ever wanted so they’d feel lucky to have you. Making your parents proud of you is the best gift a child could ever give.

Being on holiday like this, I treasured the time with my family a lot. Everytime my parents asked to go out on a trip, I’m really excited and looking forward for it. Usually, I’m the type that would just cuddle in blanket and watch drama but now I just want to spend more time with them. We rarely got to spend time as five since we’re busy with our studies and all three of us stayed in hostel. So, when all of us are at home like right now, it’s really fun. Looking forward for our fishing trip tomorrow~! Right now, every second is just precious ^^

The happy feelings that follow me are so cute

 Just now, I went to a new house my mother just bought. It was kind of an old fashioned type terrace house; with long grass (well, not very long) and a bit neglected. The best part was when I walked through the grass and saw things hopping around. It was grasshoppers! I kept playing there while my mother was touring and caught five grasshoppers in my palm ^^. I haven’t played with grasshoppers for quite a while. They were jumping hard inside my palm; waiting for the right time to jump out. It seemed like even if I lift my finger a little, they would all escape. I was bragging about it to my mom and the moment I opened my palm to show them to my mom, all five of them stood still. None of them jump out, I wish I took a picture of that, it was so beautiful. Should I name them? HAHA

 You know, I used to be a legend in catching grasshoppers when I was little. We lived in a small area with only three rows of houses. So, we were really closed to each other. Every evening, we would play in an open field, catching grasshoppers to be fed to fishes. I think I’m the one who caught the most HAHAHA. And then we would do role-play as a family; I used to be the daughter since I was quite small and the others would be the mom, dad, son, etc. Sometimes we pretend to get married. In the end of the year, when East Coast was flooded after raining a lot, we would play with tadpole. I remember myself catching them and gather them in a bottle. We used to compete who got the most. And then we would pretend fishing using any stick and thread we could find. You know the small gun with colorful round bullet? We used to battle with that as well; we would run chasing each other and just shoot. I used to get a lot of bruises. The most unforgettable one was in the middle of my forehead. Well, you know how I ended up look like.

 We were so silly during that time. I can still remember what a friend of mine said once, “If you touch someone you like when you have your wudhu’, then you guys will get married”. So, my friend run towards the guy she likes just to touch him so they would get married; and the guy ran really fast so he won’t get caught HAHA. And another, “If you drink water without touching your tongue when fasting, it won’t break your fast”. So, we tried hard to drink without the water touching our tongue. Usually during Ramadhan,  after sahur, me and my brothers would stay up watching ‘Tiny Planets’ on Disney (that was only for five minutes) and we watched other cartoons as well but I couldn’t remember well. All three of us only remember ‘Tiny Planets’ but we used to call it ‘Pikepong’ because their song sounded like that (it was actually Bing and Bong). And then I would go out at six (secretly) to meet our neighbor next door. Frankly, I think he was my first love HAHAHA. I can still remember his name but not his face – this was when I was six.

 Those days were the best moments of our life. We could live carelessly and all we did was play. We lived like a family and everyday, we just couldn’t wait to meet each other.  As we grow older, our type of fun changes. Back then, even just a little thing could make us happy. I wish we recorded that moment so that none of them would be forgotten. Those were the most precious memories.

Don't be like a parrot

Stop judging people, because you don’t know their stories. You couldn’t care less about other people because it’s their life, not yours and it has nothing to do with you. You keep judging a person without knowing why he did it, and without even bother to know why. Before talking about others, just try to be in their place, or at least think what will you do if you were that person. People are like that, they’re not concern enough on others. Do you know how it feels when that person is the only one who knows the reason why he did it and people keep pointing on him without knowing why? It is exactly how you feel when people did that to you. A person wouldn’t be too cruel (unless he’s mentally ill or something), they’re just tempted.

-PINNOCHIO END-

Just let your brain explode.

At first I thought that it doesn’t mean you couldn’t win if you have the least allies but it turned out to be someone has to be a betrayer to win. Seriously, in the third game of ‘The Genius 2’; King Game, it’s the one who’s smart enough can conquer the game. And once you started conquering it, there’ll be no turning table, you’ll win for sure. This King Game made me think of ‘Abundance and Famine’ in season 1. It’s quite similar but different (?) kekeke. For me, the best game in Season 1 was Scamming Horse Race and I’ll look forward until the end of Season 2. And the third Death Match was the best so far. I haven’t watch the one Hong Jinho played since I stopped watching after Sunggyu got eliminated. Now, I’m very disappointed I hope I’ve watched it. It was awesome that I can play along but I don’t think I can in a panic situation. And I’m looking forward for the next episode, ‘Blackout’. The preview seems like it’ll be interesting and amazing and once again it might mesmerized me.  

I will wait patiently for that day.

Sometimes, it’s just too hard for me. But then I thought, isn’t it hard for everyone? We always took the step of our maximum strength and then wondered, ‘Why is this so hard?’ ‘Am I on the right path?’ ‘Can I possibly do this?’. Those questions always linger in my mind too. But as days passed, here I am; already 20 years old, already taking my degree, already fulfilled a lot of my life goal. But I’m still wondering if I’m doing the right thing, can I do this or not.  What I’ve learnt, just endure it and keep giving your best. Life is always hard. So, to be what you want, you just have to work harder. Sometimes I thought of just leaving studying, I just want to stop. Maybe just getting married and living without thinking much. But now that I don’t have to think critically (I’m on semester break! Yeay), I started to think a lot. Everything is hard, not just to study or to have a profession, but to be a mother, a wife, and even a daughter is hard; to be a person is way harder. So, just give your all, because you won’t realize what you’re capable of until you actually try.

I was watching Emergency Couple, just the first two episodes thou, but now I can’t wait to see how far my life will lead me. I can’t wait to be an intern, do attachment at hospital, and meet patients. It has always been my dream to work in a hospital. I’ll look forward to my future☆