You’re my favorite color

I’ve always like pink, without knowing, I naturally would choose anything that’s pink. I like pastel colors too. They’re clean and calm. But I don’t think I really have a specific favorite color. It depends on my mood I guess.

I always wondered, how great and interesting life of the characters in dramas and movies were. As if, you can just do anything. Everything was just so exciting, life seems so much fun. But in real world, life is actually quite boring and dull. You kept doing the same thing over and over again, not much of a climax in life. Things just come and go, nothing very impactful. So I found myself drowning into the scenarios in movies.

Until I met you. I don’t find movies and dramas that exciting anymore. They didn’t give much of an impact anymore. Because you gave me the life I’ve always dreamt of. You were, not really ordinary. But not that weird. You just need the right person to understand you. You are colorful.  So you gave colors to my life.

People always said that you were kind of, weird, and different. It’ll take some time to understand you. You said that your life was plain and everything you did were just routine. Until you met me, I brought colors into your life.

The more I knew you, the harder it got to understand you. The more I feel like, I don’t know you. Because there’s so much in you. I felt like I do understand you, but at one moment, I felt like I don’t. You gave me so many emotions, when I already has a lot. But still, it was amusing. And I will continue to stay, no matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how tiresome it’ll get, I’ll stay. I want to stay. Because what you’ve given are precious. Because you’re precious.

I feel like we could probably make a movie of our own. Life’s pretty interesting, and colorful.

“You are all colors in one, at full brightness” – Theodore Flinch, All The Bright Places

The way we see

Honestly, don’t you think that everything is actually static? Every events, motions, and even people. What were shown to us are just the same, people see the same thing, but perceived in different ways. At in end, it all just depends on how we choose to see it.

Take this for an example, instead of seeing the bad things that had happened, try to see the goods. Won’t we be more grateful for what we have instead of what we don’t? Instead of hating on others, try to see the positive side of them. Won’t we be more accepting?  Instead of complaining, try to be more grateful. Won’t we be happier with the little things we have?

Trying to change how we view things could really make a huge difference. We would be able to see the blessings in every little things. And that is just enough for a happiness, that’d make our life feel more meaningful.

You don’t need big house to feel safe. You don’t need expensive cars to feel acknowledged. You don’t need branded things to feel respected. You don’t need other’s people approval to feel loved. You just need to be grateful with just enough. And sometimes, less in more.

More than you, I like Us

The reason why we hesitate to make a choice, is because the things that we have to let go of.

Even we knew they weren’t ours, still, we’re aren’t used to losing them

Somehow, that’s probably the reason I’m not able to properly confess to you. I like being around you, I like how close we are now, I like how comfortable we are to each other. Despite what everyone else said, I like just the way we are. So the thought of losing ‘us’ terrifies me. Because I like us so much. Is it okay if I keep it this way? Until we’re both ready, until we figure us out, I’m just going to stay. I won’t move, so if you think you’re ready, just take the step.

I know I’m obvious. I heard what everyone keeps talking about us. But I like us too much to care about them. Sometimes it hurts, but being with you made me forget everything. So I like it more.

Maybe this is just my way of confessing. You probably knew it too. So I’m just going to let it be.

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you call my name and the way you talk to me

I hate the way you look at me and when you smile at me

I hate it when you make my heart fluttered

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you took care of me really well, making me even more confused

I hate it when we walked together, matching each others' pace

I hate it when you're telling me your stories, or when you're listening to me; when you understood me

I hate it when you're not around, and wondered if you'd miss me too

I hate it when I waited all day for your text, and smiled all day when you did

I hate the way that I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

I won't promise, but I'll try

"Show me your scar, so that I can love you more" 

Did you know that? Lately, we got extremely close to each other. We just got really comfortable. You started to open up about things you don’t usually tell others, and so did I. We started talking about our family, and ourselves. Then you started showing me this new side of you, which I’ve never seen or thought of before; your scar. You started showing me more of yourself, and I’m amazed by you more.

You know what makes my heart flutter? When you started using ‘us’, when you put ‘us’ as an example in the situation. As if, you’re considering if ‘us’ is actually possible.

Then I started asking you this,

“Kau rasa, ada tak benda yang kau tak pernah cerita dekat orang lain sebelum ni, tapi kau cerita dekat aku?”, then you paused for a moment.

“Haah. Ada lah, macam pasal family aku, aku tak pernah pun cerita dekat sesape”

“Kau rasa kenapa?”

“Hmm, sebab aku rasa takde orang nak tahu pun? Dan sebab aku rasa kau takkan cerita dekat orang lain pun”

“Sebab aku trust kau dulu”

“Haah. Trust. Betul lah apa kau cakap”

Yeah, trust is such a big word, I know. For someone with trust issues like you, who kept pushing people away, trusting someone is probably really hard right? At first, I was glad that I’m able to open you up. But know I’m kindda scared. What if I ended up hurting you too? What if I stepped over the line? I’m trying my best not to, but I’m still a human. If I got too close and made you uncomfortable, please tell me so. I don’t want to hurt you.

But there’s one thing I’m sure that you’re different from him. He doesn’t want anyone to get too deep into his life, while you just haven’t found the person to listen to you. I’m here, I’ll listen to you, and I’ll be there for you. I’m trying to, at least.

And thank you. Usually, I would go to you. But yesterday, you came to me. Thank you for letting me in.

Can you Show your Heart?

Have you ever feel the urge to tell someone about something? Like when even the smallest thing happened, you just wanted to tell that person. When something happened, that person is the first thing that came into your mind. I felt that.

You know, whenever I went back home and something interesting happened, I can’t wait to tell you about it. When I heard a joke, I can’t wait to use it on you. When I’m happy, I wanted you to be the first person to hear it. When I’m sad, I wanted you to listen to me. When I found and interesting book or a good drama, I wanted to share it with you. When I read something funny, I wanted to share it with you. When I went to eat something good, I want to bring you there. Lately, you were into cooking something simple to yourself so when I saw interesting recipe, I can’t wait to show you. Everyday, I talked to myself, pretending I was talking to you. Everyday, I have lots of questions to ask you. Everyday, I wanted to know about you, to listen to you. Everyday, I think of you. But I have to limit myself so it was killing me. There’s so many things I want to tell you about.

You felt it too, right?

When you were on leave last week, you sent me the picture of a book with the synopsis, you said you wanted to share about it with me. You told me that your parents went out of town so you have to cook for yourself and you hurriedly showed me the picture of what you cooked even I was about to go home at that time. You went out with your nephews and showed me the pictures of you playing archery (it was really cute honestly I wanted to keep that picture). Then there’s this other book you’re currently reading and you sent me photos of few pages that you like (half an hour after I got home because I’ve finished my work and you’re on break. I mean, we just met half an hour before but you just can’t wait until tomorrow to tell me about it, right?). When you received an interesting text, you showed me. When you taught of something funny, you tried it on me. When you were talking or joking with others and I gave a puzzled look, you gladly told me about it. You said your parents won’t be at home this weekend so you’d want to cook for yourself, so you found this easy recipe. At that time, I was talking to someone else but you were looking at me as if you wanted to tell me something so I went to you, leaving the conversation (because I’d always choose you over anyone. Crazy right?). Turned out, you wanted to tell me about the recipe you found. Honestly, my heart can’t handle you. You’re too cute I’m going crazy. That time, your lips were bleeding because of ulcer and it was bad. I went to check on you then you told me about how you get that ulcer and everything, even joked about it. I don’t want you to talk too much because it’ll hurt, but you just keep telling me stories and I just love hearing it. You’re really comfortable around me, right? Then there’s this one time when we didn’t get to have our lunch at the same time. Usually we got the same break time and spend the hour at the pantry, eating and talking. But few days ago, your lunch time was at 1, while mine was at 2. Weirdly, you didn’t go to the pantry (downstairs) but eat upstairs instead. That was weird enough then after finish eating, you called me to talk about this videos you saw yesterday. You know what’s weirder? I don’t usually watch those kind of videos but the night before, I intuitively watched it, and was about to show you those videos. Crazy right? The first one was a review on a Korean drama ‘Sky Castle’ which I had been trying to persuade you to watch, and the other one was about Kodokushi (lonely death) which had made me thinking of you. I want to send the link to you that night but you might not reply me so I decided to talk about it during the day. Turned you, you wanted to tell me about it too. But you thought I didn’t have internet connection. Honestly, what is this weird feeling?

Now I’m getting more and more confused. Please stop pushing me away. I’m not strong enough I don’t know how long I’d stay if you keep pushing me.

"How to know if you like that person?" - Go Hyemi

"It's the first person who came into your mind when you're happy or sad" - Kim Pilsuk

I wonder what I look like in your eyes

You know, I tend to be obvious. When I like someone, I don’t think much and just like that person as much as I could. I would want to be close to him, talk to him, or maybe just stare at him. Those little things just make me happy. So I thought, me being obvious is some sort of indirect confession. Did you notice that? Because everybody else did.

So, apparently, my secret is out. I unintentionally told someone that I like you. Well, I just told her that “when I like someone, I tend to be obvious” and she was like “is it who I was thinking?”, and I was like “is it too obvious?”. Obviously, it was obvious. So I wonder, did you see me?

So she told me to confess. But I’ve decided, I won’t. Because I’m waiting for you. Confessing isn’t as easy as it sounds. It needs lots of courage, which I don’t have. Because I’m afraid you don’t feel the way I do, because I’m afraid I was wrong, because I’m afraid if I’d rush you, because I’m afraid you’d run away, because I’m afraid of losing you even as friends, because I’m afraid you’re not ready, because I’m afraid you already have someone else, because I’m afraid my confession would be a burden to you, because I’m afraid it’d push you away. I think too much, didn’t I?

Two days ago was your birthday and I gave you a can of coffee. Did you know how much thought I put in that can of coffee? There’s this one book that you wanted so I thought maybe I could give you that book as a present, but then I thought maybe it could be too burdensome. I tried to think of something else but everything just seems obvious that I think too much. So I saw this can of coffee. Then I remembered telling you that I like this coffee and you should try it. So I bought it. I didn’t even remove the price tag so you’d think I didn’t put much effort on it. Because I didn’t want to burden you. I even rehearsed my line a few times so that it’d go smoothly. You happily accepted it so I was glad. But did you know how trembling I was when giving you that? My heart was beating so fast I might need to take Inderal.

Lately, you called my name a lot. I really like that. I like the way you call my name. You smiled a lot too. Lately, I became more confuse than ever. Because I already like you too much. So this is the best that I can do, waiting.

Time, please stop

“The most important thing is understanding each other’s speed. Walking beside each other, and matching your pace”

 – Just One Bite

Today, I liked it. I like today very much. I like how we talked about random things, I like how you kept talking more about yourself, I like how you kept listening to me, I like how you opened yourself up, I like the way you smile when you look at me, I like the sound of my heart beating for you, I like that you tried to match with my pace, I like just being with you.

You used to walk very fast, but today you didn’t. You just walked beside me and followed my pace, and I liked it very much. Because that’s what I always did, I tried to match with your pace, so having you done it instead, felt great.

You know, I’ve been so into this song, ‘Me After You’ by Paul Kim.

After meeting you, I became happy for the smallest things

When we understand each other about little things, I got surprised by the fact that we got used to each other

Just like now when it’s peaceful, I want to be with you forever

I thought of that as I was looking at you

After meeting you, I became happy and able to love you so much

Let’s walk forward together

After meeting me, you’re happy too, right?

I’m selfish and lacking, but I wanted to be good to you

I became really comfortable around you, honestly, I wanted this to stay for a long time. I guess I’m falling too hard for you, but I don’t want to get up. I want to keep falling. Because the happiness is worth the pain.

I want today to stay.  

Count Your Blessings

If you started counting your blessings, won’t you be more grateful? Instead of seeing what you don’t have, isn’t seeing what you have is better? I think it started few years ago, when I started counting my blessings. I have so many things that I’m scared. Because having a lot means that I have a lot to lose too. So I started to be more grateful, to cherish more of what I have. One of my precious blessing are my friends.

I’ve always been blessed with great friends around me, those who made me a better person. Those who helped me to realize my worth. Those who helped me to not fall into the bad side. I have lots of friends that I cherished, more than I could ever wished for. And by that, I mean the good ones who were always there when I’m happy or sad. Sometimes, I felt guilty that I haven’t been a good friend to them.

There are this two people that I wanted to write about.

She doesn’t trust people. At some point, she lost every emotion that is to have. Then she started trusting me, opened herself up, and freely expressing her emotions. She’d be happier than me, and sadder than me, when something happened to me. A friend like this don’t just fall from the sky you know. She’d take any risk for me, find any ways for us to just meet, listen to my long stories, and sometimes scold me just like my mom would. Somehow, I felt secure, to have her around.

Then this one, she is very selfless. She always thinks of others before herself. So whenever I tell her something, she’d do her best to understand me, to react to my stories, to give the best advices for me. I like it when someone listen to my stories, because I always have so many things to tell. Then she’d share her stories too, then the two of us would listen well too.

I always write here about this person that I like. Well, everyday, I talked to them, about him. I’d tell every details, from every seconds, and every emotions I had throughout the day. They’d listen or read it enthusiastically, react to every story, and sometimes be happy or sad or angry for me. It’s nice you know, to have someone who’s always on your side.

Having you guys are one of my best blessings.

Just look at our bright future

We all started at different points, in a different race, at a different pace. If we keep comparing ourselves to others, then we’ll never win the race. The one we should beat is ourselves.

I remember when I got my SPM result, I got 8A1B. To some people, it’s really great. But to me, it was disappointing. I could’ve done better, I could’ve gotten straight As, I know I’m able to do that. Because that was my race. It’s not that I’m not grateful, but because I felt like I didn’t do my best, because I felt like I’ve lost the race. As I was always on top of the class, I’ve always studied hard, and it felt easier to keep myself floating; to be consistent. Once I’ve stumbled, it got harder to get back up. Like during my foundation and degree years, I kept on falling, and couldn’t find my way to get up. I’ve drown. I lost the race of my own.

You were different. You didn’t do well in school and SPM. So you took pra-diploma, and you did so well that you managed to continue your study in Pharmacy. You said you never knew you could do well in studying, but you did. Just look at you know. 15 years back, you probably wouldn’t guess you’ll get this far. You started at different pace, a little late, but still manage to do fine. I’m sure you’re proud of yourselves. You said you didn’t want to be the slave of money, to work for money. Instead, you wanted to be free of whatever you’re doing.

Then there’s him. He who did so well during primary school. He was the top student, the model student, the president of the student body. He was amazing. I don’t know what happened to him, but he kindda lost himself during secondary school. While I was at my prime, he was falling. But since he was twelve, he has always had this dream, to be free. He hated small confined suffocating office. He always wanted to be able to utilize his creativity and imagination freely, to be free doing what he likes. To be limitless. And now, he still hasn’t change. He still has the same dream, still pursuing, still passionate.

I? Where did I went? Where did my dreams went? I used to be ambitious and confident. I used to know exactly what I wanted. But now I’m confused. But seeing you two, made me think, I should start again. I should get myself back up. It’s never too late, whether you’re 24 or 32, you can always find yourself again. I think I know where I’m going to. Having a goal, made it easier, you know. So now, I just have to go through the right path. I’m going to finish my race.

Thank you, both of you.