Be Grateful for every Little Things

When I was young, there are times when I just wanted to run away from home, when I wanted to cut myself, when I wanted to just break everything. But I couldn’t really remember why I had such thought. There are times when I thought I would be a better parent than my parents were and would definitely not raise my child the way they did.

But as I get older, and after knowing so many people, looking at the difference in our life, I started to be grateful. Honestly, there are so many things that I like about how my parents raised me, raised us up. Though my father has always had a huge expectation on me, because I used to be so smart and bright, he still allowed me to choose what I wanted to be and doesn’t force me to be what he wanted me to be. He still gave me choices and led me in making decision, which I’m very thankful for. I saw people here, even when they’re already a parent, they used harsh words when talking to their colleagues. My parents had always used nice words, even when they’re angry, they’ve never cursed. So we grew up in such as beautiful harmonious environment. My parents are quite well off, so we never really had serious money issues, so I always get what I wanted. I wonder why I wasn’t grateful before. I’m blessed with so many things. When we were young, if any of us got good exam results, my father would give us money as rewards. As I was very good at studying and always got good results, I was pretty rich back then. And I love it so much, because it kindda boost my spirit to study. That’s my father’s way of encouraging us. But now I wonder how my brother felt back then, since he’s not so good at studying. Did he felt discouraged? While I was so motivated and enjoying my study, did my brother felt burdened? But another thing that I like about my father is that he never really compared us in terms of our study. Even my brother was a bit lacking, he doesn’t get scolded, because my father knew we are different. So my father respected his way of study, and his choices. I’m so blessed that I was clever, I could understand things fast, learnt fast, memorized easily, and I was very good in studying. So back then, I actually love studying, because I was good at it. When doing my degree, I wasn’t so good anymore, idk what went wrong, maybe it gets harder, maybe I got dumber, but things just didn’t work out anymore. So I became slightly discouraged. But even my results wasn’t so good, my father saw my effort. So he was okay with it, which I’m so grateful.

As a family, are we closed to each other? I was always jealous of my friends who got to tell their mom everything. I always wanted to talk to my mom about my days, my friends, my life. I used to tell everything when I was in boarding school but since I started living with my parents after quitting boarding school, we didn’t talk that much anymore. So I decided to move here, so that I could miss my mom, so that I could appreciate her more, so that we would fought less. The last time I went home, my mom was so happy and even cooked my favorite dishes. It felt really nice. So I’m trying to be a better daughter, but it seems so hard. But being a parent is harder, right?

So I was watching this drama, Sky Castle, where it tells about parenthood, and how each parents raised their child. Parents always wanted the best for their child, for them, their children’s success is their success. But the child would felt pressured and burdened by the expectation. Some parents would force their children to do what they didn’t manage to, even that’s not what their child wants. While from the point of view of the child, we really wanted to make our parents proud of us, but at the same time, we needed their attention on how we’re feeling as well. That studying is hard, living is hard, don’t put too much expectation on us, because that is harder.

I guess, back then, what I really wanted was my parents’ attention. But right now, I just wanted to be better.

- SKY CASTLE EP 6 -

When a person became your reason

Lately, I noticed that you weren’t as hyped as you were before. Is something bothering you? You seemed like you're not in the mood. There’s so many things I wanted to talk to you about, there’s so many stories I wanted to share with you, there’s so many questions I wanted to ask to you, but there’s so little time for us. So every seconds I’m with you felt so precious. I really like spending time with you. You seemed so discouraged lately (well, for the past few days). I really wanted to say this to you, find a reason to be happy. You deserve to be happy. Don’t think too much and just let yourself free. Just like how I found my reason to be happy. You became my reason. But little did I know, you didn’t just became the reason of my happiness, you also became the reason of my sadness, angriness, loneliness, just simply every emotions I’m feeling lately are because of you.

Yesterday, you wasn’t in your best mood. Tbh, I wasn’t either. I was very excited that we got the same shift and looked forward to going to work and going home with you. But then I got to know someone changed their shift with you. You have no idea how mad I was yesterday, I was so mad that I didn’t even talk to you. Until it was in the afternoon when we were working together, I noticed you were in such a bad mood. So I started talking randomly to you first. But at some point, you became quite grumpy. Honestly, I was quite sad. But then, I don’t have the right to be mad at you, or getting sad. We’re not in any kind of relationship. So I decided to have lunch with you. Then we started talking about serious matters. You were tired and hungry, that’s why you got a bit grumpy. That’s what you said. So I told you that it was kind of obvious and you just laugh it out. Seeing you laugh like that, made me happy. And all the emotions I had that morning disappeared. It became a good memory just because you smiled. You know, I have the ability to erase the bad memories when something good happened. I know, I might get hurt again, but can you smile at me if that happens? Because you are my reason. At least for now.

Today you wasn’t in your best mood either. But I got a bit better. I started to work silently, alone. I’m preparing myself for the next five days that I won’t be seeing you because of your sudden night shift (which made me mad initially but what can I do about it anyway). We didn’t get to spend much time together today but even just seeing you made my day. At least you talked to me even when you seemed like you don’t want to talk to anyone. You started to open yourself a bit to me and I’m thankful for that. You know, you can trust me. You can trust my feelings for you. And you should really trust yourself, because I trust you. I know this could be a bit selfish, but I wish you’d miss me. Just like how I miss you.

As for now, I'll wait for you, for as long as I can.

Maybe I like you a little too much

Honestly, the level of me liking you is unhealthy. I just, like you too much. The past few days has been so great that I’m scared. I’m scared that if I got hurt, won’t it hurt greatly as well?

We spent most of our lunches together, so we talked a lot, sometimes just random stuffs and sometimes we got really deep into something. Like we were talking about books and novels and how much you enjoyed reading, and how I used to read a lot. You made me wanted to read again, so here I am, actually in the middle of reading the novel you lent. There’s so many things I wanted to ask but somehow, I couldn’t build the courage to start the conversation first. I feel as if I’d annoy you or push you away, and I hated that. So I’d wait until you started the conversation first. But lately, it seems like you don’t know where to start either.

You’d randomly annoy other people or just simply joked around but you didn’t do that to me, anymore. You’d make jokes about others and tell me about them. Ahhh but sometimes you did, when I made few mistakes because I was distracted, you’d say ‘apeni Anis. Eii apeni Anis’, and somehow that made me smile. I liked it when you say my name. Lately, you seemed pretty distracted too. That’s really cute, you know.

Today, I noticed something was wrong with me. I saw you were joking around with the students and I somehow got jealous. I don’t like seeing you smile when you’re not with me. I think I got greedy. I want you to only smile at me. I wanted to always be next to you, close to you. You know, this morning, even when we’re just sitting next to each other without talking, my heart was beating so fast that I thought it’d burst.

Actually, last week, some guy approached me. We’ve met exactly three times and he boldly asked to take a picture with me, eventually asked for my number. Then, he started texted me. This kind of things doesn’t happen often to me. I’m not that pretty for someone to actually fall at first sight. I was grateful, but confused at the same time. What was he? Why now? Why did he appear when I’m already falling for someone else? Does it means that I’m falling for the wrong guy? Or was he just a test for me? A lot of things were spinning in my head. Then I decided to give him a chance, since there’s nothing between us anyway and I thought it would be unfair to push him away without giving a chance. But the more I knew him, the more I like you. The more I compared him to you, the more I see the good in you. Weird, right? Knowing him made me like you more, made me realize that finding someone like you wasn’t easy. You’re just beyond amazing. I’m really sorry to him, but I like you too much, I don’t think I’m able to see anybody else. I wish you’d see me too.

Just my side of the story

Hey you. I think you were right, this is some sort of a diary. Idk, I really love writing but somehow I can’t really write something useful or meaningful. Maybe I’m more to the narration type? You know, talking to you made me realized a lot of things. I thought I’m good enough, I thought I knew a lot, but little did I know that there’s still so much more to learn. I’m learning from you.

You’re slowly letting me into your world, sharing your beliefs, your ambitions, and your interests. You even listened to mine. Being with you, somehow, I felt comfortable even my heart was fluttering, and I like that.

Just now, I re-read some of my old posts. Somehow, it’s kindda embarrassing I really wish you didn’t read that, and even this. I just realized how bad my writing is and I probably shouldn’t write anything but I really like to write. Because I don’t know what to write, so I usually just shared my personal stories, even it’s not that interesting. You like to read, and you’d try to find the point in everything you read. I’m simply amazed by that. I love to read, but usually, I don’t really try to think beyond what’s written. I’d just put it aside after reading, but you’d find the meaning behind it and relate to yourself. That’s what makes you different. I think I should start finding the meaning behind and start to look beyond the surface. I wanted to be better, you made me wanted to be better.

Remember what you said? Don’t fall for someone just because you get each other, but fall because that person amazed you and made you wanted to be a better person. You amazed me, in every aspect that I couldn’t even imagine. There’s one post in this blog where I wrote how amazed I am about this one person and nobody can be compared to how amazing he is (or was). Well, I’ve found someone who’s amazing as he is, or probably even more amazing, and that’s you.

You were talking about this novel that you’re so into. So I asked if I could borrow so that I could read it, so that we can have something in common to talk about, so that I could know you more. You know, liking someone made you wanted to understand that person, do what he likes, have the same interests, and so on. Idk if I’m trying too hard, but I really don’t want to lose you. You don’t seem to like the idea of anyone borrowing your books, as you treasured them a lot, but you lent one of them to me today. Thank you. I know, it wasn’t the book that you gave me, it was your trust. I’ll treasure it well. But honestly, I’m scared.