When I was young, there are times
when I just wanted to run away from home, when I wanted to cut myself, when I wanted
to just break everything. But I couldn’t really remember why I had such
thought. There are times when I thought I would be a better parent than my
parents were and would definitely not raise my child the way they did.
But as I get older, and after
knowing so many people, looking at the difference in our life, I started to be
grateful. Honestly, there are so many things that I like about how my parents
raised me, raised us up. Though my father has always had a huge expectation on
me, because I used to be so smart and bright, he still allowed me to choose
what I wanted to be and doesn’t force me to be what he wanted me to be. He still
gave me choices and led me in making decision, which I’m very thankful for. I saw
people here, even when they’re already a parent, they used harsh words when
talking to their colleagues. My parents had always used nice words, even when
they’re angry, they’ve never cursed. So we grew up in such as beautiful harmonious
environment. My parents are quite well off, so we never really had serious
money issues, so I always get what I wanted. I wonder why I wasn’t grateful before.
I’m blessed with so many things. When we were young, if any of us got good exam
results, my father would give us money as rewards. As I was very good at
studying and always got good results, I was pretty rich back then. And I love
it so much, because it kindda boost my spirit to study. That’s my father’s way
of encouraging us. But now I wonder how my brother felt back then, since he’s
not so good at studying. Did he felt discouraged? While I was so motivated and
enjoying my study, did my brother felt burdened? But another thing that I like
about my father is that he never really compared us in terms of our study. Even
my brother was a bit lacking, he doesn’t get scolded, because my father knew we
are different. So my father respected his way of study, and his choices. I’m so
blessed that I was clever, I could understand things fast, learnt fast, memorized
easily, and I was very good in studying. So back then, I actually love
studying, because I was good at it. When doing my degree, I wasn’t so good
anymore, idk what went wrong, maybe it gets harder, maybe I got dumber, but
things just didn’t work out anymore. So I became slightly discouraged. But even
my results wasn’t so good, my father saw my effort. So he was okay with it,
which I’m so grateful.
As a family, are we closed to
each other? I was always jealous of my friends who got to tell their mom
everything. I always wanted to talk to my mom about my days, my friends, my
life. I used to tell everything when I was in boarding school but since I started
living with my parents after quitting boarding school, we didn’t talk that much
anymore. So I decided to move here, so that I could miss my mom, so that I could
appreciate her more, so that we would fought less. The last time I went home,
my mom was so happy and even cooked my favorite dishes. It felt really nice. So
I’m trying to be a better daughter, but it seems so hard. But being a parent is
harder, right?
So I was watching this drama, Sky
Castle, where it tells about parenthood, and how each parents raised their
child. Parents always wanted the best for their child, for them, their children’s
success is their success. But the child would felt pressured and burdened by
the expectation. Some parents would force their children to do what they didn’t
manage to, even that’s not what their child wants. While from the point of view
of the child, we really wanted to make our parents proud of us, but at the same
time, we needed their attention on how we’re feeling as well. That studying is
hard, living is hard, don’t put too much expectation on us, because that is
harder.
I guess, back then, what I really
wanted was my parents’ attention. But right now, I just wanted to be better.
- SKY CASTLE EP 6 -
