I wonder what I look like in your eyes

You know, I tend to be obvious. When I like someone, I don’t think much and just like that person as much as I could. I would want to be close to him, talk to him, or maybe just stare at him. Those little things just make me happy. So I thought, me being obvious is some sort of indirect confession. Did you notice that? Because everybody else did.

So, apparently, my secret is out. I unintentionally told someone that I like you. Well, I just told her that “when I like someone, I tend to be obvious” and she was like “is it who I was thinking?”, and I was like “is it too obvious?”. Obviously, it was obvious. So I wonder, did you see me?

So she told me to confess. But I’ve decided, I won’t. Because I’m waiting for you. Confessing isn’t as easy as it sounds. It needs lots of courage, which I don’t have. Because I’m afraid you don’t feel the way I do, because I’m afraid I was wrong, because I’m afraid if I’d rush you, because I’m afraid you’d run away, because I’m afraid of losing you even as friends, because I’m afraid you’re not ready, because I’m afraid you already have someone else, because I’m afraid my confession would be a burden to you, because I’m afraid it’d push you away. I think too much, didn’t I?

Two days ago was your birthday and I gave you a can of coffee. Did you know how much thought I put in that can of coffee? There’s this one book that you wanted so I thought maybe I could give you that book as a present, but then I thought maybe it could be too burdensome. I tried to think of something else but everything just seems obvious that I think too much. So I saw this can of coffee. Then I remembered telling you that I like this coffee and you should try it. So I bought it. I didn’t even remove the price tag so you’d think I didn’t put much effort on it. Because I didn’t want to burden you. I even rehearsed my line a few times so that it’d go smoothly. You happily accepted it so I was glad. But did you know how trembling I was when giving you that? My heart was beating so fast I might need to take Inderal.

Lately, you called my name a lot. I really like that. I like the way you call my name. You smiled a lot too. Lately, I became more confuse than ever. Because I already like you too much. So this is the best that I can do, waiting.

Time, please stop

“The most important thing is understanding each other’s speed. Walking beside each other, and matching your pace”

 – Just One Bite

Today, I liked it. I like today very much. I like how we talked about random things, I like how you kept talking more about yourself, I like how you kept listening to me, I like how you opened yourself up, I like the way you smile when you look at me, I like the sound of my heart beating for you, I like that you tried to match with my pace, I like just being with you.

You used to walk very fast, but today you didn’t. You just walked beside me and followed my pace, and I liked it very much. Because that’s what I always did, I tried to match with your pace, so having you done it instead, felt great.

You know, I’ve been so into this song, ‘Me After You’ by Paul Kim.

After meeting you, I became happy for the smallest things

When we understand each other about little things, I got surprised by the fact that we got used to each other

Just like now when it’s peaceful, I want to be with you forever

I thought of that as I was looking at you

After meeting you, I became happy and able to love you so much

Let’s walk forward together

After meeting me, you’re happy too, right?

I’m selfish and lacking, but I wanted to be good to you

I became really comfortable around you, honestly, I wanted this to stay for a long time. I guess I’m falling too hard for you, but I don’t want to get up. I want to keep falling. Because the happiness is worth the pain.

I want today to stay.  

Count Your Blessings

If you started counting your blessings, won’t you be more grateful? Instead of seeing what you don’t have, isn’t seeing what you have is better? I think it started few years ago, when I started counting my blessings. I have so many things that I’m scared. Because having a lot means that I have a lot to lose too. So I started to be more grateful, to cherish more of what I have. One of my precious blessing are my friends.

I’ve always been blessed with great friends around me, those who made me a better person. Those who helped me to realize my worth. Those who helped me to not fall into the bad side. I have lots of friends that I cherished, more than I could ever wished for. And by that, I mean the good ones who were always there when I’m happy or sad. Sometimes, I felt guilty that I haven’t been a good friend to them.

There are this two people that I wanted to write about.

She doesn’t trust people. At some point, she lost every emotion that is to have. Then she started trusting me, opened herself up, and freely expressing her emotions. She’d be happier than me, and sadder than me, when something happened to me. A friend like this don’t just fall from the sky you know. She’d take any risk for me, find any ways for us to just meet, listen to my long stories, and sometimes scold me just like my mom would. Somehow, I felt secure, to have her around.

Then this one, she is very selfless. She always thinks of others before herself. So whenever I tell her something, she’d do her best to understand me, to react to my stories, to give the best advices for me. I like it when someone listen to my stories, because I always have so many things to tell. Then she’d share her stories too, then the two of us would listen well too.

I always write here about this person that I like. Well, everyday, I talked to them, about him. I’d tell every details, from every seconds, and every emotions I had throughout the day. They’d listen or read it enthusiastically, react to every story, and sometimes be happy or sad or angry for me. It’s nice you know, to have someone who’s always on your side.

Having you guys are one of my best blessings.

Just look at our bright future

We all started at different points, in a different race, at a different pace. If we keep comparing ourselves to others, then we’ll never win the race. The one we should beat is ourselves.

I remember when I got my SPM result, I got 8A1B. To some people, it’s really great. But to me, it was disappointing. I could’ve done better, I could’ve gotten straight As, I know I’m able to do that. Because that was my race. It’s not that I’m not grateful, but because I felt like I didn’t do my best, because I felt like I’ve lost the race. As I was always on top of the class, I’ve always studied hard, and it felt easier to keep myself floating; to be consistent. Once I’ve stumbled, it got harder to get back up. Like during my foundation and degree years, I kept on falling, and couldn’t find my way to get up. I’ve drown. I lost the race of my own.

You were different. You didn’t do well in school and SPM. So you took pra-diploma, and you did so well that you managed to continue your study in Pharmacy. You said you never knew you could do well in studying, but you did. Just look at you know. 15 years back, you probably wouldn’t guess you’ll get this far. You started at different pace, a little late, but still manage to do fine. I’m sure you’re proud of yourselves. You said you didn’t want to be the slave of money, to work for money. Instead, you wanted to be free of whatever you’re doing.

Then there’s him. He who did so well during primary school. He was the top student, the model student, the president of the student body. He was amazing. I don’t know what happened to him, but he kindda lost himself during secondary school. While I was at my prime, he was falling. But since he was twelve, he has always had this dream, to be free. He hated small confined suffocating office. He always wanted to be able to utilize his creativity and imagination freely, to be free doing what he likes. To be limitless. And now, he still hasn’t change. He still has the same dream, still pursuing, still passionate.

I? Where did I went? Where did my dreams went? I used to be ambitious and confident. I used to know exactly what I wanted. But now I’m confused. But seeing you two, made me think, I should start again. I should get myself back up. It’s never too late, whether you’re 24 or 32, you can always find yourself again. I think I know where I’m going to. Having a goal, made it easier, you know. So now, I just have to go through the right path. I’m going to finish my race.

Thank you, both of you.

Today was horrible, until it wasn’t

Actually, it wasn’t that horrible but definitely not good. So, I changed my shift to a bit later (10:30 AM until 7:00 PM) because of my assignment. I knew you’ll be working night shift today so I was kindda hoping to meet you after the discussion (for the assignment).

So supposedly, I’d be working with this akak for the evening shift but I got to know today that she changed her shift, so I was stuck with two guys whom I’d always wanted to avoid, for the evening. Like, literally only three of us. Just imagine how awkward it was. Luckily, I have lots of own works to do so I just kept myself busy but it felt like the longest hour ever, it was killing me. I didn’t talk at all and just sat there, staring at empty spaces, waiting for the clock to strike 7.

So after seven, I went to the inpatient pharmacy to discuss about the assignment. I knew you would come early, I don’t know how but I just knew. And I was right. Night shift started at 9:00 PM but you came in around 8:15 PM and you saw me, “eh, tak balik lagi? Buat apa rajin sangat ni”. I was shocked to see you, I wasn’t prepared that you’d come that early. I thought it’d be around 8:30 or so.

Then my friend started to tease us, and I just smiled. Idk, I just laugh it out but I’m afraid if it’d put you in awkward situation. But honestly, idk how to react. I’m glad that it doesn’t get awkward, not even a bit.

So after I was done with the discussion and was about to go home, I saw you were reading. So I started asking this and that. So we just naturally started talking and I started telling you about my flat tire, about the parking and idk, anything random that pop in my mind. Weirdly, you were happy to hear my story. I talked a lot and you were responding to it with a smile, and were laughing too. Seeing you smile like that, just made the whole day better. Amazing, right? Ten minutes with you just made my whole day felt great.

I’m in so much trouble.

It’s cliché, but I liked it anyway

Just for the record, I’m really into romantic types of movies and dramas. And lately, I’m soooo into romantic movies, but more to the teenage-high school/college version. There’re several movies that just get me, like, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, The First Time, Keith, Restless, Letters to Juliet, Me Before You, 10 Things I Hate about You, She’s the Man, Just Like Heaven, The Duff, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, and the list would be endless so I’ll stop here. And most recently, like, few minutes ago, I just finished watching The Perfect Date.

So, what are the similarities between these movies?

First of all, obviously, there’re cliché with typical romantic comedy plots and happy endings. But somehow, I liked that. Maybe because I’ve never experienced it before so secretly, I wanted to fall in love and being loved. Okay this is making me cringe. Moving on.

The main part that I like about these movies is how the relationship is built. They didn’t start with romantic interests, but by being friends at first. When you’re just being good friends, you can just be yourself without having to be afraid of the other person’s expectations on you. When you like someone, you naturally wanted to be close to him/her, get to know them, and unconsciously trying to impress them. But when you’re just friends, you won’t be trying hard to impress the other person.

The difference between being friends because you like that person and liking that person after being friends is that – the expectations vs reality. You might like someone because he’s handsome, or because he’s smart, or because he’s polite; but you’ll have expectations on him, and the reality might be different. But if you like him after knowing him, then you’re liking him for the person he is, without expecting who he should be; you're seeing the reality first.

Like when we first met, I didn’t fall for you that instantly you know. It’s just that we started talking to each other and I got really comfortable. I guess that’s when I started falling for you, because I’m comfortable around you, I can be myself around you without the fear of being judged. I can tell you about myself, and sometimes I even told you things that I’ve never really told anyone before. But after realizing that I have this weird feelings for you, I started being cautious of not saying too much that might make you hate me. But weirdly, every time we talked and when I got comfortable, I just started being myself again when I’m around you. I like listening to your stories, I like arguing with you, I like it when you listened to my stories, I like when you’re just clowning around, I just simply like you for whatever you are. And right now, I really like being your friend. So I’m gonna keep it that way. I’m gonna show you all of myself, even if it’s bad, because I believed you've already shown me a lot of yourself.     

I Like Talking to You

For some reason, I’m scared that I disappointed you. I told you that I like to write and I actually can write. But what if I was wrong? What if I’m actually not a good writer? So let me try to write more generally instead of writing like I was talking to you.

Agree to disagree, well, that was our topic but we didn’t manage to finish our arguments so it kindda left me hanging. (Edit: we finished the arguments few days after so I guess you got my points even you’re kindda hard to talk through, you still listened. Another plus point for you)

What is actually meant by the term ‘agree to disagree’?

For you, it means ending the arguments so we’d stop fighting. You said that not everyone has the same opinion and it’s easier to just let it go. Everyone has different points of view and it depends on the person. You said, why do we need to argue on something when we can just settled with our own belief?

For me, it’s giving up. It means I’m right and you’re wrong, while from your side, you’re right and I’m wrong, so we agree to disagree each other’s opinions and the case is closed. I hated that.

Let me give you an example. Take the number 6 as example, I see the number 6, but you from the other side would see it as 9. Agree to disagree means I’d believe it is 6 and will never be 9, you’d believe it is 9 and will never be 6. So that’s it, no arguments and keep our beliefs to ourselves.

Why not, you could come next to me and look from my side, you’d see 6. And I could come to you and look from your side, I’d see 9 too. Why can’t we talk and understand from each perspectives? Everyone has different point of view, but why can’t we shared each other’s point? Wouldn’t that be easier for us to understand each other more? If we keep believing in our own beliefs and discarding other’s, then forever we won’t be on the same track. Forever, our conception can never meet. Won’t it left us with regrets? So, I strongly oppose the idea of agree to disagree.

Be Grateful for every Little Things

When I was young, there are times when I just wanted to run away from home, when I wanted to cut myself, when I wanted to just break everything. But I couldn’t really remember why I had such thought. There are times when I thought I would be a better parent than my parents were and would definitely not raise my child the way they did.

But as I get older, and after knowing so many people, looking at the difference in our life, I started to be grateful. Honestly, there are so many things that I like about how my parents raised me, raised us up. Though my father has always had a huge expectation on me, because I used to be so smart and bright, he still allowed me to choose what I wanted to be and doesn’t force me to be what he wanted me to be. He still gave me choices and led me in making decision, which I’m very thankful for. I saw people here, even when they’re already a parent, they used harsh words when talking to their colleagues. My parents had always used nice words, even when they’re angry, they’ve never cursed. So we grew up in such as beautiful harmonious environment. My parents are quite well off, so we never really had serious money issues, so I always get what I wanted. I wonder why I wasn’t grateful before. I’m blessed with so many things. When we were young, if any of us got good exam results, my father would give us money as rewards. As I was very good at studying and always got good results, I was pretty rich back then. And I love it so much, because it kindda boost my spirit to study. That’s my father’s way of encouraging us. But now I wonder how my brother felt back then, since he’s not so good at studying. Did he felt discouraged? While I was so motivated and enjoying my study, did my brother felt burdened? But another thing that I like about my father is that he never really compared us in terms of our study. Even my brother was a bit lacking, he doesn’t get scolded, because my father knew we are different. So my father respected his way of study, and his choices. I’m so blessed that I was clever, I could understand things fast, learnt fast, memorized easily, and I was very good in studying. So back then, I actually love studying, because I was good at it. When doing my degree, I wasn’t so good anymore, idk what went wrong, maybe it gets harder, maybe I got dumber, but things just didn’t work out anymore. So I became slightly discouraged. But even my results wasn’t so good, my father saw my effort. So he was okay with it, which I’m so grateful.

As a family, are we closed to each other? I was always jealous of my friends who got to tell their mom everything. I always wanted to talk to my mom about my days, my friends, my life. I used to tell everything when I was in boarding school but since I started living with my parents after quitting boarding school, we didn’t talk that much anymore. So I decided to move here, so that I could miss my mom, so that I could appreciate her more, so that we would fought less. The last time I went home, my mom was so happy and even cooked my favorite dishes. It felt really nice. So I’m trying to be a better daughter, but it seems so hard. But being a parent is harder, right?

So I was watching this drama, Sky Castle, where it tells about parenthood, and how each parents raised their child. Parents always wanted the best for their child, for them, their children’s success is their success. But the child would felt pressured and burdened by the expectation. Some parents would force their children to do what they didn’t manage to, even that’s not what their child wants. While from the point of view of the child, we really wanted to make our parents proud of us, but at the same time, we needed their attention on how we’re feeling as well. That studying is hard, living is hard, don’t put too much expectation on us, because that is harder.

I guess, back then, what I really wanted was my parents’ attention. But right now, I just wanted to be better.

- SKY CASTLE EP 6 -

When a person became your reason

Lately, I noticed that you weren’t as hyped as you were before. Is something bothering you? You seemed like you're not in the mood. There’s so many things I wanted to talk to you about, there’s so many stories I wanted to share with you, there’s so many questions I wanted to ask to you, but there’s so little time for us. So every seconds I’m with you felt so precious. I really like spending time with you. You seemed so discouraged lately (well, for the past few days). I really wanted to say this to you, find a reason to be happy. You deserve to be happy. Don’t think too much and just let yourself free. Just like how I found my reason to be happy. You became my reason. But little did I know, you didn’t just became the reason of my happiness, you also became the reason of my sadness, angriness, loneliness, just simply every emotions I’m feeling lately are because of you.

Yesterday, you wasn’t in your best mood. Tbh, I wasn’t either. I was very excited that we got the same shift and looked forward to going to work and going home with you. But then I got to know someone changed their shift with you. You have no idea how mad I was yesterday, I was so mad that I didn’t even talk to you. Until it was in the afternoon when we were working together, I noticed you were in such a bad mood. So I started talking randomly to you first. But at some point, you became quite grumpy. Honestly, I was quite sad. But then, I don’t have the right to be mad at you, or getting sad. We’re not in any kind of relationship. So I decided to have lunch with you. Then we started talking about serious matters. You were tired and hungry, that’s why you got a bit grumpy. That’s what you said. So I told you that it was kind of obvious and you just laugh it out. Seeing you laugh like that, made me happy. And all the emotions I had that morning disappeared. It became a good memory just because you smiled. You know, I have the ability to erase the bad memories when something good happened. I know, I might get hurt again, but can you smile at me if that happens? Because you are my reason. At least for now.

Today you wasn’t in your best mood either. But I got a bit better. I started to work silently, alone. I’m preparing myself for the next five days that I won’t be seeing you because of your sudden night shift (which made me mad initially but what can I do about it anyway). We didn’t get to spend much time together today but even just seeing you made my day. At least you talked to me even when you seemed like you don’t want to talk to anyone. You started to open yourself a bit to me and I’m thankful for that. You know, you can trust me. You can trust my feelings for you. And you should really trust yourself, because I trust you. I know this could be a bit selfish, but I wish you’d miss me. Just like how I miss you.

As for now, I'll wait for you, for as long as I can.

Maybe I like you a little too much

Honestly, the level of me liking you is unhealthy. I just, like you too much. The past few days has been so great that I’m scared. I’m scared that if I got hurt, won’t it hurt greatly as well?

We spent most of our lunches together, so we talked a lot, sometimes just random stuffs and sometimes we got really deep into something. Like we were talking about books and novels and how much you enjoyed reading, and how I used to read a lot. You made me wanted to read again, so here I am, actually in the middle of reading the novel you lent. There’s so many things I wanted to ask but somehow, I couldn’t build the courage to start the conversation first. I feel as if I’d annoy you or push you away, and I hated that. So I’d wait until you started the conversation first. But lately, it seems like you don’t know where to start either.

You’d randomly annoy other people or just simply joked around but you didn’t do that to me, anymore. You’d make jokes about others and tell me about them. Ahhh but sometimes you did, when I made few mistakes because I was distracted, you’d say ‘apeni Anis. Eii apeni Anis’, and somehow that made me smile. I liked it when you say my name. Lately, you seemed pretty distracted too. That’s really cute, you know.

Today, I noticed something was wrong with me. I saw you were joking around with the students and I somehow got jealous. I don’t like seeing you smile when you’re not with me. I think I got greedy. I want you to only smile at me. I wanted to always be next to you, close to you. You know, this morning, even when we’re just sitting next to each other without talking, my heart was beating so fast that I thought it’d burst.

Actually, last week, some guy approached me. We’ve met exactly three times and he boldly asked to take a picture with me, eventually asked for my number. Then, he started texted me. This kind of things doesn’t happen often to me. I’m not that pretty for someone to actually fall at first sight. I was grateful, but confused at the same time. What was he? Why now? Why did he appear when I’m already falling for someone else? Does it means that I’m falling for the wrong guy? Or was he just a test for me? A lot of things were spinning in my head. Then I decided to give him a chance, since there’s nothing between us anyway and I thought it would be unfair to push him away without giving a chance. But the more I knew him, the more I like you. The more I compared him to you, the more I see the good in you. Weird, right? Knowing him made me like you more, made me realize that finding someone like you wasn’t easy. You’re just beyond amazing. I’m really sorry to him, but I like you too much, I don’t think I’m able to see anybody else. I wish you’d see me too.