The way we see

Honestly, don’t you think that everything is actually static? Every events, motions, and even people. What were shown to us are just the same, people see the same thing, but perceived in different ways. At in end, it all just depends on how we choose to see it.

Take this for an example, instead of seeing the bad things that had happened, try to see the goods. Won’t we be more grateful for what we have instead of what we don’t? Instead of hating on others, try to see the positive side of them. Won’t we be more accepting?  Instead of complaining, try to be more grateful. Won’t we be happier with the little things we have?

Trying to change how we view things could really make a huge difference. We would be able to see the blessings in every little things. And that is just enough for a happiness, that’d make our life feel more meaningful.

You don’t need big house to feel safe. You don’t need expensive cars to feel acknowledged. You don’t need branded things to feel respected. You don’t need other’s people approval to feel loved. You just need to be grateful with just enough. And sometimes, less in more.

More than you, I like Us

The reason why we hesitate to make a choice, is because the things that we have to let go of.

Even we knew they weren’t ours, still, we’re aren’t used to losing them

Somehow, that’s probably the reason I’m not able to properly confess to you. I like being around you, I like how close we are now, I like how comfortable we are to each other. Despite what everyone else said, I like just the way we are. So the thought of losing ‘us’ terrifies me. Because I like us so much. Is it okay if I keep it this way? Until we’re both ready, until we figure us out, I’m just going to stay. I won’t move, so if you think you’re ready, just take the step.

I know I’m obvious. I heard what everyone keeps talking about us. But I like us too much to care about them. Sometimes it hurts, but being with you made me forget everything. So I like it more.

Maybe this is just my way of confessing. You probably knew it too. So I’m just going to let it be.

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you call my name and the way you talk to me

I hate the way you look at me and when you smile at me

I hate it when you make my heart fluttered

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you took care of me really well, making me even more confused

I hate it when we walked together, matching each others' pace

I hate it when you're telling me your stories, or when you're listening to me; when you understood me

I hate it when you're not around, and wondered if you'd miss me too

I hate it when I waited all day for your text, and smiled all day when you did

I hate the way that I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

I won't promise, but I'll try

"Show me your scar, so that I can love you more" 

Did you know that? Lately, we got extremely close to each other. We just got really comfortable. You started to open up about things you don’t usually tell others, and so did I. We started talking about our family, and ourselves. Then you started showing me this new side of you, which I’ve never seen or thought of before; your scar. You started showing me more of yourself, and I’m amazed by you more.

You know what makes my heart flutter? When you started using ‘us’, when you put ‘us’ as an example in the situation. As if, you’re considering if ‘us’ is actually possible.

Then I started asking you this,

“Kau rasa, ada tak benda yang kau tak pernah cerita dekat orang lain sebelum ni, tapi kau cerita dekat aku?”, then you paused for a moment.

“Haah. Ada lah, macam pasal family aku, aku tak pernah pun cerita dekat sesape”

“Kau rasa kenapa?”

“Hmm, sebab aku rasa takde orang nak tahu pun? Dan sebab aku rasa kau takkan cerita dekat orang lain pun”

“Sebab aku trust kau dulu”

“Haah. Trust. Betul lah apa kau cakap”

Yeah, trust is such a big word, I know. For someone with trust issues like you, who kept pushing people away, trusting someone is probably really hard right? At first, I was glad that I’m able to open you up. But know I’m kindda scared. What if I ended up hurting you too? What if I stepped over the line? I’m trying my best not to, but I’m still a human. If I got too close and made you uncomfortable, please tell me so. I don’t want to hurt you.

But there’s one thing I’m sure that you’re different from him. He doesn’t want anyone to get too deep into his life, while you just haven’t found the person to listen to you. I’m here, I’ll listen to you, and I’ll be there for you. I’m trying to, at least.

And thank you. Usually, I would go to you. But yesterday, you came to me. Thank you for letting me in.

Can you Show your Heart?

Have you ever feel the urge to tell someone about something? Like when even the smallest thing happened, you just wanted to tell that person. When something happened, that person is the first thing that came into your mind. I felt that.

You know, whenever I went back home and something interesting happened, I can’t wait to tell you about it. When I heard a joke, I can’t wait to use it on you. When I’m happy, I wanted you to be the first person to hear it. When I’m sad, I wanted you to listen to me. When I found and interesting book or a good drama, I wanted to share it with you. When I read something funny, I wanted to share it with you. When I went to eat something good, I want to bring you there. Lately, you were into cooking something simple to yourself so when I saw interesting recipe, I can’t wait to show you. Everyday, I talked to myself, pretending I was talking to you. Everyday, I have lots of questions to ask you. Everyday, I wanted to know about you, to listen to you. Everyday, I think of you. But I have to limit myself so it was killing me. There’s so many things I want to tell you about.

You felt it too, right?

When you were on leave last week, you sent me the picture of a book with the synopsis, you said you wanted to share about it with me. You told me that your parents went out of town so you have to cook for yourself and you hurriedly showed me the picture of what you cooked even I was about to go home at that time. You went out with your nephews and showed me the pictures of you playing archery (it was really cute honestly I wanted to keep that picture). Then there’s this other book you’re currently reading and you sent me photos of few pages that you like (half an hour after I got home because I’ve finished my work and you’re on break. I mean, we just met half an hour before but you just can’t wait until tomorrow to tell me about it, right?). When you received an interesting text, you showed me. When you taught of something funny, you tried it on me. When you were talking or joking with others and I gave a puzzled look, you gladly told me about it. You said your parents won’t be at home this weekend so you’d want to cook for yourself, so you found this easy recipe. At that time, I was talking to someone else but you were looking at me as if you wanted to tell me something so I went to you, leaving the conversation (because I’d always choose you over anyone. Crazy right?). Turned out, you wanted to tell me about the recipe you found. Honestly, my heart can’t handle you. You’re too cute I’m going crazy. That time, your lips were bleeding because of ulcer and it was bad. I went to check on you then you told me about how you get that ulcer and everything, even joked about it. I don’t want you to talk too much because it’ll hurt, but you just keep telling me stories and I just love hearing it. You’re really comfortable around me, right? Then there’s this one time when we didn’t get to have our lunch at the same time. Usually we got the same break time and spend the hour at the pantry, eating and talking. But few days ago, your lunch time was at 1, while mine was at 2. Weirdly, you didn’t go to the pantry (downstairs) but eat upstairs instead. That was weird enough then after finish eating, you called me to talk about this videos you saw yesterday. You know what’s weirder? I don’t usually watch those kind of videos but the night before, I intuitively watched it, and was about to show you those videos. Crazy right? The first one was a review on a Korean drama ‘Sky Castle’ which I had been trying to persuade you to watch, and the other one was about Kodokushi (lonely death) which had made me thinking of you. I want to send the link to you that night but you might not reply me so I decided to talk about it during the day. Turned you, you wanted to tell me about it too. But you thought I didn’t have internet connection. Honestly, what is this weird feeling?

Now I’m getting more and more confused. Please stop pushing me away. I’m not strong enough I don’t know how long I’d stay if you keep pushing me.

"How to know if you like that person?" - Go Hyemi

"It's the first person who came into your mind when you're happy or sad" - Kim Pilsuk

I wonder what I look like in your eyes

You know, I tend to be obvious. When I like someone, I don’t think much and just like that person as much as I could. I would want to be close to him, talk to him, or maybe just stare at him. Those little things just make me happy. So I thought, me being obvious is some sort of indirect confession. Did you notice that? Because everybody else did.

So, apparently, my secret is out. I unintentionally told someone that I like you. Well, I just told her that “when I like someone, I tend to be obvious” and she was like “is it who I was thinking?”, and I was like “is it too obvious?”. Obviously, it was obvious. So I wonder, did you see me?

So she told me to confess. But I’ve decided, I won’t. Because I’m waiting for you. Confessing isn’t as easy as it sounds. It needs lots of courage, which I don’t have. Because I’m afraid you don’t feel the way I do, because I’m afraid I was wrong, because I’m afraid if I’d rush you, because I’m afraid you’d run away, because I’m afraid of losing you even as friends, because I’m afraid you’re not ready, because I’m afraid you already have someone else, because I’m afraid my confession would be a burden to you, because I’m afraid it’d push you away. I think too much, didn’t I?

Two days ago was your birthday and I gave you a can of coffee. Did you know how much thought I put in that can of coffee? There’s this one book that you wanted so I thought maybe I could give you that book as a present, but then I thought maybe it could be too burdensome. I tried to think of something else but everything just seems obvious that I think too much. So I saw this can of coffee. Then I remembered telling you that I like this coffee and you should try it. So I bought it. I didn’t even remove the price tag so you’d think I didn’t put much effort on it. Because I didn’t want to burden you. I even rehearsed my line a few times so that it’d go smoothly. You happily accepted it so I was glad. But did you know how trembling I was when giving you that? My heart was beating so fast I might need to take Inderal.

Lately, you called my name a lot. I really like that. I like the way you call my name. You smiled a lot too. Lately, I became more confuse than ever. Because I already like you too much. So this is the best that I can do, waiting.

Time, please stop

“The most important thing is understanding each other’s speed. Walking beside each other, and matching your pace”

 – Just One Bite

Today, I liked it. I like today very much. I like how we talked about random things, I like how you kept talking more about yourself, I like how you kept listening to me, I like how you opened yourself up, I like the way you smile when you look at me, I like the sound of my heart beating for you, I like that you tried to match with my pace, I like just being with you.

You used to walk very fast, but today you didn’t. You just walked beside me and followed my pace, and I liked it very much. Because that’s what I always did, I tried to match with your pace, so having you done it instead, felt great.

You know, I’ve been so into this song, ‘Me After You’ by Paul Kim.

After meeting you, I became happy for the smallest things

When we understand each other about little things, I got surprised by the fact that we got used to each other

Just like now when it’s peaceful, I want to be with you forever

I thought of that as I was looking at you

After meeting you, I became happy and able to love you so much

Let’s walk forward together

After meeting me, you’re happy too, right?

I’m selfish and lacking, but I wanted to be good to you

I became really comfortable around you, honestly, I wanted this to stay for a long time. I guess I’m falling too hard for you, but I don’t want to get up. I want to keep falling. Because the happiness is worth the pain.

I want today to stay.  

Count Your Blessings

If you started counting your blessings, won’t you be more grateful? Instead of seeing what you don’t have, isn’t seeing what you have is better? I think it started few years ago, when I started counting my blessings. I have so many things that I’m scared. Because having a lot means that I have a lot to lose too. So I started to be more grateful, to cherish more of what I have. One of my precious blessing are my friends.

I’ve always been blessed with great friends around me, those who made me a better person. Those who helped me to realize my worth. Those who helped me to not fall into the bad side. I have lots of friends that I cherished, more than I could ever wished for. And by that, I mean the good ones who were always there when I’m happy or sad. Sometimes, I felt guilty that I haven’t been a good friend to them.

There are this two people that I wanted to write about.

She doesn’t trust people. At some point, she lost every emotion that is to have. Then she started trusting me, opened herself up, and freely expressing her emotions. She’d be happier than me, and sadder than me, when something happened to me. A friend like this don’t just fall from the sky you know. She’d take any risk for me, find any ways for us to just meet, listen to my long stories, and sometimes scold me just like my mom would. Somehow, I felt secure, to have her around.

Then this one, she is very selfless. She always thinks of others before herself. So whenever I tell her something, she’d do her best to understand me, to react to my stories, to give the best advices for me. I like it when someone listen to my stories, because I always have so many things to tell. Then she’d share her stories too, then the two of us would listen well too.

I always write here about this person that I like. Well, everyday, I talked to them, about him. I’d tell every details, from every seconds, and every emotions I had throughout the day. They’d listen or read it enthusiastically, react to every story, and sometimes be happy or sad or angry for me. It’s nice you know, to have someone who’s always on your side.

Having you guys are one of my best blessings.

Just look at our bright future

We all started at different points, in a different race, at a different pace. If we keep comparing ourselves to others, then we’ll never win the race. The one we should beat is ourselves.

I remember when I got my SPM result, I got 8A1B. To some people, it’s really great. But to me, it was disappointing. I could’ve done better, I could’ve gotten straight As, I know I’m able to do that. Because that was my race. It’s not that I’m not grateful, but because I felt like I didn’t do my best, because I felt like I’ve lost the race. As I was always on top of the class, I’ve always studied hard, and it felt easier to keep myself floating; to be consistent. Once I’ve stumbled, it got harder to get back up. Like during my foundation and degree years, I kept on falling, and couldn’t find my way to get up. I’ve drown. I lost the race of my own.

You were different. You didn’t do well in school and SPM. So you took pra-diploma, and you did so well that you managed to continue your study in Pharmacy. You said you never knew you could do well in studying, but you did. Just look at you know. 15 years back, you probably wouldn’t guess you’ll get this far. You started at different pace, a little late, but still manage to do fine. I’m sure you’re proud of yourselves. You said you didn’t want to be the slave of money, to work for money. Instead, you wanted to be free of whatever you’re doing.

Then there’s him. He who did so well during primary school. He was the top student, the model student, the president of the student body. He was amazing. I don’t know what happened to him, but he kindda lost himself during secondary school. While I was at my prime, he was falling. But since he was twelve, he has always had this dream, to be free. He hated small confined suffocating office. He always wanted to be able to utilize his creativity and imagination freely, to be free doing what he likes. To be limitless. And now, he still hasn’t change. He still has the same dream, still pursuing, still passionate.

I? Where did I went? Where did my dreams went? I used to be ambitious and confident. I used to know exactly what I wanted. But now I’m confused. But seeing you two, made me think, I should start again. I should get myself back up. It’s never too late, whether you’re 24 or 32, you can always find yourself again. I think I know where I’m going to. Having a goal, made it easier, you know. So now, I just have to go through the right path. I’m going to finish my race.

Thank you, both of you.

Today was horrible, until it wasn’t

Actually, it wasn’t that horrible but definitely not good. So, I changed my shift to a bit later (10:30 AM until 7:00 PM) because of my assignment. I knew you’ll be working night shift today so I was kindda hoping to meet you after the discussion (for the assignment).

So supposedly, I’d be working with this akak for the evening shift but I got to know today that she changed her shift, so I was stuck with two guys whom I’d always wanted to avoid, for the evening. Like, literally only three of us. Just imagine how awkward it was. Luckily, I have lots of own works to do so I just kept myself busy but it felt like the longest hour ever, it was killing me. I didn’t talk at all and just sat there, staring at empty spaces, waiting for the clock to strike 7.

So after seven, I went to the inpatient pharmacy to discuss about the assignment. I knew you would come early, I don’t know how but I just knew. And I was right. Night shift started at 9:00 PM but you came in around 8:15 PM and you saw me, “eh, tak balik lagi? Buat apa rajin sangat ni”. I was shocked to see you, I wasn’t prepared that you’d come that early. I thought it’d be around 8:30 or so.

Then my friend started to tease us, and I just smiled. Idk, I just laugh it out but I’m afraid if it’d put you in awkward situation. But honestly, idk how to react. I’m glad that it doesn’t get awkward, not even a bit.

So after I was done with the discussion and was about to go home, I saw you were reading. So I started asking this and that. So we just naturally started talking and I started telling you about my flat tire, about the parking and idk, anything random that pop in my mind. Weirdly, you were happy to hear my story. I talked a lot and you were responding to it with a smile, and were laughing too. Seeing you smile like that, just made the whole day better. Amazing, right? Ten minutes with you just made my whole day felt great.

I’m in so much trouble.

It’s cliché, but I liked it anyway

Just for the record, I’m really into romantic types of movies and dramas. And lately, I’m soooo into romantic movies, but more to the teenage-high school/college version. There’re several movies that just get me, like, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, The First Time, Keith, Restless, Letters to Juliet, Me Before You, 10 Things I Hate about You, She’s the Man, Just Like Heaven, The Duff, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, and the list would be endless so I’ll stop here. And most recently, like, few minutes ago, I just finished watching The Perfect Date.

So, what are the similarities between these movies?

First of all, obviously, there’re cliché with typical romantic comedy plots and happy endings. But somehow, I liked that. Maybe because I’ve never experienced it before so secretly, I wanted to fall in love and being loved. Okay this is making me cringe. Moving on.

The main part that I like about these movies is how the relationship is built. They didn’t start with romantic interests, but by being friends at first. When you’re just being good friends, you can just be yourself without having to be afraid of the other person’s expectations on you. When you like someone, you naturally wanted to be close to him/her, get to know them, and unconsciously trying to impress them. But when you’re just friends, you won’t be trying hard to impress the other person.

The difference between being friends because you like that person and liking that person after being friends is that – the expectations vs reality. You might like someone because he’s handsome, or because he’s smart, or because he’s polite; but you’ll have expectations on him, and the reality might be different. But if you like him after knowing him, then you’re liking him for the person he is, without expecting who he should be; you're seeing the reality first.

Like when we first met, I didn’t fall for you that instantly you know. It’s just that we started talking to each other and I got really comfortable. I guess that’s when I started falling for you, because I’m comfortable around you, I can be myself around you without the fear of being judged. I can tell you about myself, and sometimes I even told you things that I’ve never really told anyone before. But after realizing that I have this weird feelings for you, I started being cautious of not saying too much that might make you hate me. But weirdly, every time we talked and when I got comfortable, I just started being myself again when I’m around you. I like listening to your stories, I like arguing with you, I like it when you listened to my stories, I like when you’re just clowning around, I just simply like you for whatever you are. And right now, I really like being your friend. So I’m gonna keep it that way. I’m gonna show you all of myself, even if it’s bad, because I believed you've already shown me a lot of yourself.     

I Like Talking to You

For some reason, I’m scared that I disappointed you. I told you that I like to write and I actually can write. But what if I was wrong? What if I’m actually not a good writer? So let me try to write more generally instead of writing like I was talking to you.

Agree to disagree, well, that was our topic but we didn’t manage to finish our arguments so it kindda left me hanging. (Edit: we finished the arguments few days after so I guess you got my points even you’re kindda hard to talk through, you still listened. Another plus point for you)

What is actually meant by the term ‘agree to disagree’?

For you, it means ending the arguments so we’d stop fighting. You said that not everyone has the same opinion and it’s easier to just let it go. Everyone has different points of view and it depends on the person. You said, why do we need to argue on something when we can just settled with our own belief?

For me, it’s giving up. It means I’m right and you’re wrong, while from your side, you’re right and I’m wrong, so we agree to disagree each other’s opinions and the case is closed. I hated that.

Let me give you an example. Take the number 6 as example, I see the number 6, but you from the other side would see it as 9. Agree to disagree means I’d believe it is 6 and will never be 9, you’d believe it is 9 and will never be 6. So that’s it, no arguments and keep our beliefs to ourselves.

Why not, you could come next to me and look from my side, you’d see 6. And I could come to you and look from your side, I’d see 9 too. Why can’t we talk and understand from each perspectives? Everyone has different point of view, but why can’t we shared each other’s point? Wouldn’t that be easier for us to understand each other more? If we keep believing in our own beliefs and discarding other’s, then forever we won’t be on the same track. Forever, our conception can never meet. Won’t it left us with regrets? So, I strongly oppose the idea of agree to disagree.

Be Grateful for every Little Things

When I was young, there are times when I just wanted to run away from home, when I wanted to cut myself, when I wanted to just break everything. But I couldn’t really remember why I had such thought. There are times when I thought I would be a better parent than my parents were and would definitely not raise my child the way they did.

But as I get older, and after knowing so many people, looking at the difference in our life, I started to be grateful. Honestly, there are so many things that I like about how my parents raised me, raised us up. Though my father has always had a huge expectation on me, because I used to be so smart and bright, he still allowed me to choose what I wanted to be and doesn’t force me to be what he wanted me to be. He still gave me choices and led me in making decision, which I’m very thankful for. I saw people here, even when they’re already a parent, they used harsh words when talking to their colleagues. My parents had always used nice words, even when they’re angry, they’ve never cursed. So we grew up in such as beautiful harmonious environment. My parents are quite well off, so we never really had serious money issues, so I always get what I wanted. I wonder why I wasn’t grateful before. I’m blessed with so many things. When we were young, if any of us got good exam results, my father would give us money as rewards. As I was very good at studying and always got good results, I was pretty rich back then. And I love it so much, because it kindda boost my spirit to study. That’s my father’s way of encouraging us. But now I wonder how my brother felt back then, since he’s not so good at studying. Did he felt discouraged? While I was so motivated and enjoying my study, did my brother felt burdened? But another thing that I like about my father is that he never really compared us in terms of our study. Even my brother was a bit lacking, he doesn’t get scolded, because my father knew we are different. So my father respected his way of study, and his choices. I’m so blessed that I was clever, I could understand things fast, learnt fast, memorized easily, and I was very good in studying. So back then, I actually love studying, because I was good at it. When doing my degree, I wasn’t so good anymore, idk what went wrong, maybe it gets harder, maybe I got dumber, but things just didn’t work out anymore. So I became slightly discouraged. But even my results wasn’t so good, my father saw my effort. So he was okay with it, which I’m so grateful.

As a family, are we closed to each other? I was always jealous of my friends who got to tell their mom everything. I always wanted to talk to my mom about my days, my friends, my life. I used to tell everything when I was in boarding school but since I started living with my parents after quitting boarding school, we didn’t talk that much anymore. So I decided to move here, so that I could miss my mom, so that I could appreciate her more, so that we would fought less. The last time I went home, my mom was so happy and even cooked my favorite dishes. It felt really nice. So I’m trying to be a better daughter, but it seems so hard. But being a parent is harder, right?

So I was watching this drama, Sky Castle, where it tells about parenthood, and how each parents raised their child. Parents always wanted the best for their child, for them, their children’s success is their success. But the child would felt pressured and burdened by the expectation. Some parents would force their children to do what they didn’t manage to, even that’s not what their child wants. While from the point of view of the child, we really wanted to make our parents proud of us, but at the same time, we needed their attention on how we’re feeling as well. That studying is hard, living is hard, don’t put too much expectation on us, because that is harder.

I guess, back then, what I really wanted was my parents’ attention. But right now, I just wanted to be better.

- SKY CASTLE EP 6 -

When a person became your reason

Lately, I noticed that you weren’t as hyped as you were before. Is something bothering you? You seemed like you're not in the mood. There’s so many things I wanted to talk to you about, there’s so many stories I wanted to share with you, there’s so many questions I wanted to ask to you, but there’s so little time for us. So every seconds I’m with you felt so precious. I really like spending time with you. You seemed so discouraged lately (well, for the past few days). I really wanted to say this to you, find a reason to be happy. You deserve to be happy. Don’t think too much and just let yourself free. Just like how I found my reason to be happy. You became my reason. But little did I know, you didn’t just became the reason of my happiness, you also became the reason of my sadness, angriness, loneliness, just simply every emotions I’m feeling lately are because of you.

Yesterday, you wasn’t in your best mood. Tbh, I wasn’t either. I was very excited that we got the same shift and looked forward to going to work and going home with you. But then I got to know someone changed their shift with you. You have no idea how mad I was yesterday, I was so mad that I didn’t even talk to you. Until it was in the afternoon when we were working together, I noticed you were in such a bad mood. So I started talking randomly to you first. But at some point, you became quite grumpy. Honestly, I was quite sad. But then, I don’t have the right to be mad at you, or getting sad. We’re not in any kind of relationship. So I decided to have lunch with you. Then we started talking about serious matters. You were tired and hungry, that’s why you got a bit grumpy. That’s what you said. So I told you that it was kind of obvious and you just laugh it out. Seeing you laugh like that, made me happy. And all the emotions I had that morning disappeared. It became a good memory just because you smiled. You know, I have the ability to erase the bad memories when something good happened. I know, I might get hurt again, but can you smile at me if that happens? Because you are my reason. At least for now.

Today you wasn’t in your best mood either. But I got a bit better. I started to work silently, alone. I’m preparing myself for the next five days that I won’t be seeing you because of your sudden night shift (which made me mad initially but what can I do about it anyway). We didn’t get to spend much time together today but even just seeing you made my day. At least you talked to me even when you seemed like you don’t want to talk to anyone. You started to open yourself a bit to me and I’m thankful for that. You know, you can trust me. You can trust my feelings for you. And you should really trust yourself, because I trust you. I know this could be a bit selfish, but I wish you’d miss me. Just like how I miss you.

As for now, I'll wait for you, for as long as I can.

Maybe I like you a little too much

Honestly, the level of me liking you is unhealthy. I just, like you too much. The past few days has been so great that I’m scared. I’m scared that if I got hurt, won’t it hurt greatly as well?

We spent most of our lunches together, so we talked a lot, sometimes just random stuffs and sometimes we got really deep into something. Like we were talking about books and novels and how much you enjoyed reading, and how I used to read a lot. You made me wanted to read again, so here I am, actually in the middle of reading the novel you lent. There’s so many things I wanted to ask but somehow, I couldn’t build the courage to start the conversation first. I feel as if I’d annoy you or push you away, and I hated that. So I’d wait until you started the conversation first. But lately, it seems like you don’t know where to start either.

You’d randomly annoy other people or just simply joked around but you didn’t do that to me, anymore. You’d make jokes about others and tell me about them. Ahhh but sometimes you did, when I made few mistakes because I was distracted, you’d say ‘apeni Anis. Eii apeni Anis’, and somehow that made me smile. I liked it when you say my name. Lately, you seemed pretty distracted too. That’s really cute, you know.

Today, I noticed something was wrong with me. I saw you were joking around with the students and I somehow got jealous. I don’t like seeing you smile when you’re not with me. I think I got greedy. I want you to only smile at me. I wanted to always be next to you, close to you. You know, this morning, even when we’re just sitting next to each other without talking, my heart was beating so fast that I thought it’d burst.

Actually, last week, some guy approached me. We’ve met exactly three times and he boldly asked to take a picture with me, eventually asked for my number. Then, he started texted me. This kind of things doesn’t happen often to me. I’m not that pretty for someone to actually fall at first sight. I was grateful, but confused at the same time. What was he? Why now? Why did he appear when I’m already falling for someone else? Does it means that I’m falling for the wrong guy? Or was he just a test for me? A lot of things were spinning in my head. Then I decided to give him a chance, since there’s nothing between us anyway and I thought it would be unfair to push him away without giving a chance. But the more I knew him, the more I like you. The more I compared him to you, the more I see the good in you. Weird, right? Knowing him made me like you more, made me realize that finding someone like you wasn’t easy. You’re just beyond amazing. I’m really sorry to him, but I like you too much, I don’t think I’m able to see anybody else. I wish you’d see me too.

Just my side of the story

Hey you. I think you were right, this is some sort of a diary. Idk, I really love writing but somehow I can’t really write something useful or meaningful. Maybe I’m more to the narration type? You know, talking to you made me realized a lot of things. I thought I’m good enough, I thought I knew a lot, but little did I know that there’s still so much more to learn. I’m learning from you.

You’re slowly letting me into your world, sharing your beliefs, your ambitions, and your interests. You even listened to mine. Being with you, somehow, I felt comfortable even my heart was fluttering, and I like that.

Just now, I re-read some of my old posts. Somehow, it’s kindda embarrassing I really wish you didn’t read that, and even this. I just realized how bad my writing is and I probably shouldn’t write anything but I really like to write. Because I don’t know what to write, so I usually just shared my personal stories, even it’s not that interesting. You like to read, and you’d try to find the point in everything you read. I’m simply amazed by that. I love to read, but usually, I don’t really try to think beyond what’s written. I’d just put it aside after reading, but you’d find the meaning behind it and relate to yourself. That’s what makes you different. I think I should start finding the meaning behind and start to look beyond the surface. I wanted to be better, you made me wanted to be better.

Remember what you said? Don’t fall for someone just because you get each other, but fall because that person amazed you and made you wanted to be a better person. You amazed me, in every aspect that I couldn’t even imagine. There’s one post in this blog where I wrote how amazed I am about this one person and nobody can be compared to how amazing he is (or was). Well, I’ve found someone who’s amazing as he is, or probably even more amazing, and that’s you.

You were talking about this novel that you’re so into. So I asked if I could borrow so that I could read it, so that we can have something in common to talk about, so that I could know you more. You know, liking someone made you wanted to understand that person, do what he likes, have the same interests, and so on. Idk if I’m trying too hard, but I really don’t want to lose you. You don’t seem to like the idea of anyone borrowing your books, as you treasured them a lot, but you lent one of them to me today. Thank you. I know, it wasn’t the book that you gave me, it was your trust. I’ll treasure it well. But honestly, I’m scared.

What is the way to move on?

It’s been a while since the last time I write. There’s so many things that I want to write, especially the first few weeks since I moved here, but all those stories would be so depressing that I don’t even have the mood to write. Since this is a happy story, at least for me, I want to tell you. This is going to be really long.

This time, the ‘you’ is different. It’s not the same you anymore.

You know, the first few weeks of working there, I was so lonely. I didn’t know how to interact with anyone, the environment was so unfamiliar, I was so scared, and every day I only wanted to go home. I don’t really remember the first day I met you, but I remembered that you talked to me as if we’ve known each other for years. You taught me this and that, without being awkward at all. Somehow, I felt so comfortable. Your working shift was unfair, you know? You always have to work at night and others would always ask you to work on their night shift as well, so I rarely got to see you. I can’t remember since when, but I kept waiting for you.

I was so slow in learning all the process and the work, but you gladly taught me how. Everybody else doesn’t want me to do the screening because it’ll take so much time, and they didn’t even bother to teach me how to do it properly, but you did. You taught me how, one by one, even I was slow and confused, you taught me patiently, and I was thankful for that. You trusted me, and that was what I needed the most at that time. There’s so many things that I lacked and needed to learn, so I would find you to ask, because you would answer me without looking down at me, that’s how great you are. While everyone else kept getting mad at me, looking down at me, lowering my confidence level, you did the opposite. While everyone else made me feel like an outsider, you made me feel that I’m not.

How did we became close?

After few days (like maybe five days?) of not seeing you, I’m already better at working, well, a bit. I had to dispense the medications during the time when you were working at night. So my first few days of dispensing, you weren’t there. Days before that, you already asked me if I wanted to learn on how to dispense but I wasn’t ready at that time. But the next time we met, we were seating next to each other, and you tried to teach me how to dispense. But I already learnt it so I said ‘haah tahu. Aku dah start dispense dari minggu lepas lagi, dah buat error pun’, and you were like ‘oh yeke? Error apa?’. It’s only been a few days but it felt so long that there’s so many things happened to me during the time that you weren’t there. Then you casually asked about the Pedoman and the newly opened store in the hospital, which I knew nothing about so I couldn’t really answer your questions so I just said ‘taktahu lah. Kau tanya orang yang salah hahaha’. Oh btw, you’re like, way more older than me, everyone else called you ‘abang’ but it just felt really weird for me to call you by that name and you just used ‘kau aku’ with me so I decided to do the same, it felt less awkward anyway. I hope it doesn’t sound rude to you. Since I already asked for you permission to call you like that, we’re okay right? I know people will think I’m rude, but I don’t even want to care. I just want to be close with you.

You know, during the days when you weren’t there, I was miserable. No one really talked to me, though I did befriended with the students, but not much with the staffs. I kept staring at empty spaces, my mind was all over the places, and I can’t wait for the day to end. Even on Monday, I can’t wait to meet Sunday. I didn’t really smiled, and I felt like I almost fall into depression so I kept saying to myself to be strong but it was so hard. One of the Pharmacist even asked if I was okay, because I looked like I would cry in any seconds. I was such in a bad state. But it took you only one day to make me feel okay, and I was never that sad anymore, at least until now.

I don’t know when it started, but slowly, I’m falling for you. You don’t know right? You’re probably nice to everyone. So I secretly wanted to know more about you, made excuses to talk to you, did my work at the pc when you’re sitting next to it. I didn’t even have to try to talk to you, because whenever I’m close to you, you’d always talked to me first. You asked me where I’m from (typical question from everybody here), where and with whom I live here, why did I chose to come here, how much is my rent free, did I drove here. But everytime you asked me anything, I kept adding more to my answer compared to how I answered others, did you know that? Because I want to keep talking to you. Now I’m even scared of myself. I even secretly waited for you to go home by pretending to play with my phone. If you knew what I secretly did, you’d probably be scared too. Luckily, I’m not a ghost (you’d probably be the only one who’d understand this reference, if you ever read this). I even searched for your FB, ig, and even googled your full name, but nothing came out. Guess you don’t have any of those, you really look like you’re not active on social media. I even secretly saw you phone wallpaper, you didn’t even change the original wallpaper. That’s cute. You even have a really nice scent.

Strangely, I got the answers of what I’m curious about you, in unexpected ways. I got to know that you drove two hours to work everyday because you live quite far from here, which was very shocking. You were so good at your work and I’m just amazed by every single thing you did, so I got curious where did you graduated from. At first you answered jokingly ‘aku belajar dekat UK ah, dekat Manipal tu’ and I was like ‘sejak bila Manipal dekat UK’. Oh you really love to joke around and never really answer things seriously, so the conversation would always ended up with your nonsense jokes. But you know what, I like it. I really like someone who’s childish and talk nonsense, weird, right? The next day, you still answered me with nonsense joke, ‘aku dulu dapat surat tawaran pakai burung kot, datang dekat tingkap’ and I laughed while saying, ‘macam Hogwards kan’ and you said ‘mcm Hogwards’ at the same time as I did, then you laughed, ‘mcm mana kau tahu?’ ‘tahu lah. Aku pun dapat jugak’. Slowly, I’m getting used to your jokes, and even made similar jokes.

It was that Saturday, when we started talking seriously. I told you about my housemate issues, about my family, why I chose Pharmacy, and a lot more. Well, you kept asking, and I like answering to you anyway. So naturally, you started talking about yourself as well. So I got to know that you graduated from UiTM, ahh no wonder you’re so good at your job, you studied well too. So I got to know why you chose Pharmacy too, why you live so far away, what was your dream when you were little, how long have you worked here, and a lot more. When I’m happy or too happy, like extremely, I always said or did things that I might regret later, which I also did on that day. I really hope you didn’t judge me badly and I didn’t get on your bad side. The day after that went better actually, we got a lot closer so I’m really happy. You know, you made me like you even more.

I’m glad that I always went to you, because then you kept telling me stories. You did became comfortable with me too, right? You randomly told me the story of the day your motorbike went down, then your phone fell and got crushed by cars, you felt so tired that day that you just wanted to sleep so you rented a motel. You were laughing while remembering the story, so cute. You know, I really like seeing you laugh. Then I told you about how my car went down few weeks after I got here and how I don’t have anybody here. I thought you weren’t really listening to my story, but the next day, you asked more about my car. Ahh so you were curious about my story too, or am I delusioning? Then later that evening, you continued you motorbike story, randomly ofc, saying that you bought toothbrush, took a shower at the motel, and just went to sleep because you were too tired. But you forgot to turn off the light. You said ‘aku terus tido, tak ingat aku tutup lampu ke tak sbb penat sangat. Nasib baik takde hantu’, and I laughed like crazy, because that’s how your story always ended like. You even asked if my rented house ada hantu ke tak. So I responded, ‘mana kau tahu takde hantu?’ ‘sbb aku tak tutup lampu hahaha’. You know what, I laughed for the whole day. I don’t know if it was because I found your jokes very entertaining, or I just like you too much.

Few days ago, you friend told me that you already like someone else. I didn’t tell anyone that I like you btw, he sort of, just told me so yeah. I don’t know what to feel and how to feel at that time. Honestly, I was sad, but I still hope he was mistaken. I don’t really know if I even have a chance with you, but I really hope I do. But now, it seems like I don’t. So, should I give up on you? Should I move on, like I always did? Should I just keep this feeling to myself, again? But then again, you made me happy by just liking you, even from far. You made me wanted to go to work everyday, you made me feel so good that I don’t even realize it’s already Sunday. You’re like, my reason.

You know, I would never confess to you, because I never did to anyone, because I don’t have the confidence to do so, because I don’t want to lose you as friend too. So I’m just going to look at you from far, then slowly this feeling will go away too, right? Like they always did. But for now, let me just like you for a little more.

See, I told you this is going to be a long one.