When a person became your reason

Lately, I noticed that you weren’t as hyped as you were before. Is something bothering you? You seemed like you're not in the mood. There’s so many things I wanted to talk to you about, there’s so many stories I wanted to share with you, there’s so many questions I wanted to ask to you, but there’s so little time for us. So every seconds I’m with you felt so precious. I really like spending time with you. You seemed so discouraged lately (well, for the past few days). I really wanted to say this to you, find a reason to be happy. You deserve to be happy. Don’t think too much and just let yourself free. Just like how I found my reason to be happy. You became my reason. But little did I know, you didn’t just became the reason of my happiness, you also became the reason of my sadness, angriness, loneliness, just simply every emotions I’m feeling lately are because of you.

Yesterday, you wasn’t in your best mood. Tbh, I wasn’t either. I was very excited that we got the same shift and looked forward to going to work and going home with you. But then I got to know someone changed their shift with you. You have no idea how mad I was yesterday, I was so mad that I didn’t even talk to you. Until it was in the afternoon when we were working together, I noticed you were in such a bad mood. So I started talking randomly to you first. But at some point, you became quite grumpy. Honestly, I was quite sad. But then, I don’t have the right to be mad at you, or getting sad. We’re not in any kind of relationship. So I decided to have lunch with you. Then we started talking about serious matters. You were tired and hungry, that’s why you got a bit grumpy. That’s what you said. So I told you that it was kind of obvious and you just laugh it out. Seeing you laugh like that, made me happy. And all the emotions I had that morning disappeared. It became a good memory just because you smiled. You know, I have the ability to erase the bad memories when something good happened. I know, I might get hurt again, but can you smile at me if that happens? Because you are my reason. At least for now.

Today you wasn’t in your best mood either. But I got a bit better. I started to work silently, alone. I’m preparing myself for the next five days that I won’t be seeing you because of your sudden night shift (which made me mad initially but what can I do about it anyway). We didn’t get to spend much time together today but even just seeing you made my day. At least you talked to me even when you seemed like you don’t want to talk to anyone. You started to open yourself a bit to me and I’m thankful for that. You know, you can trust me. You can trust my feelings for you. And you should really trust yourself, because I trust you. I know this could be a bit selfish, but I wish you’d miss me. Just like how I miss you.

As for now, I'll wait for you, for as long as I can.

Maybe I like you a little too much

Honestly, the level of me liking you is unhealthy. I just, like you too much. The past few days has been so great that I’m scared. I’m scared that if I got hurt, won’t it hurt greatly as well?

We spent most of our lunches together, so we talked a lot, sometimes just random stuffs and sometimes we got really deep into something. Like we were talking about books and novels and how much you enjoyed reading, and how I used to read a lot. You made me wanted to read again, so here I am, actually in the middle of reading the novel you lent. There’s so many things I wanted to ask but somehow, I couldn’t build the courage to start the conversation first. I feel as if I’d annoy you or push you away, and I hated that. So I’d wait until you started the conversation first. But lately, it seems like you don’t know where to start either.

You’d randomly annoy other people or just simply joked around but you didn’t do that to me, anymore. You’d make jokes about others and tell me about them. Ahhh but sometimes you did, when I made few mistakes because I was distracted, you’d say ‘apeni Anis. Eii apeni Anis’, and somehow that made me smile. I liked it when you say my name. Lately, you seemed pretty distracted too. That’s really cute, you know.

Today, I noticed something was wrong with me. I saw you were joking around with the students and I somehow got jealous. I don’t like seeing you smile when you’re not with me. I think I got greedy. I want you to only smile at me. I wanted to always be next to you, close to you. You know, this morning, even when we’re just sitting next to each other without talking, my heart was beating so fast that I thought it’d burst.

Actually, last week, some guy approached me. We’ve met exactly three times and he boldly asked to take a picture with me, eventually asked for my number. Then, he started texted me. This kind of things doesn’t happen often to me. I’m not that pretty for someone to actually fall at first sight. I was grateful, but confused at the same time. What was he? Why now? Why did he appear when I’m already falling for someone else? Does it means that I’m falling for the wrong guy? Or was he just a test for me? A lot of things were spinning in my head. Then I decided to give him a chance, since there’s nothing between us anyway and I thought it would be unfair to push him away without giving a chance. But the more I knew him, the more I like you. The more I compared him to you, the more I see the good in you. Weird, right? Knowing him made me like you more, made me realize that finding someone like you wasn’t easy. You’re just beyond amazing. I’m really sorry to him, but I like you too much, I don’t think I’m able to see anybody else. I wish you’d see me too.

Just my side of the story

Hey you. I think you were right, this is some sort of a diary. Idk, I really love writing but somehow I can’t really write something useful or meaningful. Maybe I’m more to the narration type? You know, talking to you made me realized a lot of things. I thought I’m good enough, I thought I knew a lot, but little did I know that there’s still so much more to learn. I’m learning from you.

You’re slowly letting me into your world, sharing your beliefs, your ambitions, and your interests. You even listened to mine. Being with you, somehow, I felt comfortable even my heart was fluttering, and I like that.

Just now, I re-read some of my old posts. Somehow, it’s kindda embarrassing I really wish you didn’t read that, and even this. I just realized how bad my writing is and I probably shouldn’t write anything but I really like to write. Because I don’t know what to write, so I usually just shared my personal stories, even it’s not that interesting. You like to read, and you’d try to find the point in everything you read. I’m simply amazed by that. I love to read, but usually, I don’t really try to think beyond what’s written. I’d just put it aside after reading, but you’d find the meaning behind it and relate to yourself. That’s what makes you different. I think I should start finding the meaning behind and start to look beyond the surface. I wanted to be better, you made me wanted to be better.

Remember what you said? Don’t fall for someone just because you get each other, but fall because that person amazed you and made you wanted to be a better person. You amazed me, in every aspect that I couldn’t even imagine. There’s one post in this blog where I wrote how amazed I am about this one person and nobody can be compared to how amazing he is (or was). Well, I’ve found someone who’s amazing as he is, or probably even more amazing, and that’s you.

You were talking about this novel that you’re so into. So I asked if I could borrow so that I could read it, so that we can have something in common to talk about, so that I could know you more. You know, liking someone made you wanted to understand that person, do what he likes, have the same interests, and so on. Idk if I’m trying too hard, but I really don’t want to lose you. You don’t seem to like the idea of anyone borrowing your books, as you treasured them a lot, but you lent one of them to me today. Thank you. I know, it wasn’t the book that you gave me, it was your trust. I’ll treasure it well. But honestly, I’m scared.

What is the way to move on?

It’s been a while since the last time I write. There’s so many things that I want to write, especially the first few weeks since I moved here, but all those stories would be so depressing that I don’t even have the mood to write. Since this is a happy story, at least for me, I want to tell you. This is going to be really long.

This time, the ‘you’ is different. It’s not the same you anymore.

You know, the first few weeks of working there, I was so lonely. I didn’t know how to interact with anyone, the environment was so unfamiliar, I was so scared, and every day I only wanted to go home. I don’t really remember the first day I met you, but I remembered that you talked to me as if we’ve known each other for years. You taught me this and that, without being awkward at all. Somehow, I felt so comfortable. Your working shift was unfair, you know? You always have to work at night and others would always ask you to work on their night shift as well, so I rarely got to see you. I can’t remember since when, but I kept waiting for you.

I was so slow in learning all the process and the work, but you gladly taught me how. Everybody else doesn’t want me to do the screening because it’ll take so much time, and they didn’t even bother to teach me how to do it properly, but you did. You taught me how, one by one, even I was slow and confused, you taught me patiently, and I was thankful for that. You trusted me, and that was what I needed the most at that time. There’s so many things that I lacked and needed to learn, so I would find you to ask, because you would answer me without looking down at me, that’s how great you are. While everyone else kept getting mad at me, looking down at me, lowering my confidence level, you did the opposite. While everyone else made me feel like an outsider, you made me feel that I’m not.

How did we became close?

After few days (like maybe five days?) of not seeing you, I’m already better at working, well, a bit. I had to dispense the medications during the time when you were working at night. So my first few days of dispensing, you weren’t there. Days before that, you already asked me if I wanted to learn on how to dispense but I wasn’t ready at that time. But the next time we met, we were seating next to each other, and you tried to teach me how to dispense. But I already learnt it so I said ‘haah tahu. Aku dah start dispense dari minggu lepas lagi, dah buat error pun’, and you were like ‘oh yeke? Error apa?’. It’s only been a few days but it felt so long that there’s so many things happened to me during the time that you weren’t there. Then you casually asked about the Pedoman and the newly opened store in the hospital, which I knew nothing about so I couldn’t really answer your questions so I just said ‘taktahu lah. Kau tanya orang yang salah hahaha’. Oh btw, you’re like, way more older than me, everyone else called you ‘abang’ but it just felt really weird for me to call you by that name and you just used ‘kau aku’ with me so I decided to do the same, it felt less awkward anyway. I hope it doesn’t sound rude to you. Since I already asked for you permission to call you like that, we’re okay right? I know people will think I’m rude, but I don’t even want to care. I just want to be close with you.

You know, during the days when you weren’t there, I was miserable. No one really talked to me, though I did befriended with the students, but not much with the staffs. I kept staring at empty spaces, my mind was all over the places, and I can’t wait for the day to end. Even on Monday, I can’t wait to meet Sunday. I didn’t really smiled, and I felt like I almost fall into depression so I kept saying to myself to be strong but it was so hard. One of the Pharmacist even asked if I was okay, because I looked like I would cry in any seconds. I was such in a bad state. But it took you only one day to make me feel okay, and I was never that sad anymore, at least until now.

I don’t know when it started, but slowly, I’m falling for you. You don’t know right? You’re probably nice to everyone. So I secretly wanted to know more about you, made excuses to talk to you, did my work at the pc when you’re sitting next to it. I didn’t even have to try to talk to you, because whenever I’m close to you, you’d always talked to me first. You asked me where I’m from (typical question from everybody here), where and with whom I live here, why did I chose to come here, how much is my rent free, did I drove here. But everytime you asked me anything, I kept adding more to my answer compared to how I answered others, did you know that? Because I want to keep talking to you. Now I’m even scared of myself. I even secretly waited for you to go home by pretending to play with my phone. If you knew what I secretly did, you’d probably be scared too. Luckily, I’m not a ghost (you’d probably be the only one who’d understand this reference, if you ever read this). I even searched for your FB, ig, and even googled your full name, but nothing came out. Guess you don’t have any of those, you really look like you’re not active on social media. I even secretly saw you phone wallpaper, you didn’t even change the original wallpaper. That’s cute. You even have a really nice scent.

Strangely, I got the answers of what I’m curious about you, in unexpected ways. I got to know that you drove two hours to work everyday because you live quite far from here, which was very shocking. You were so good at your work and I’m just amazed by every single thing you did, so I got curious where did you graduated from. At first you answered jokingly ‘aku belajar dekat UK ah, dekat Manipal tu’ and I was like ‘sejak bila Manipal dekat UK’. Oh you really love to joke around and never really answer things seriously, so the conversation would always ended up with your nonsense jokes. But you know what, I like it. I really like someone who’s childish and talk nonsense, weird, right? The next day, you still answered me with nonsense joke, ‘aku dulu dapat surat tawaran pakai burung kot, datang dekat tingkap’ and I laughed while saying, ‘macam Hogwards kan’ and you said ‘mcm Hogwards’ at the same time as I did, then you laughed, ‘mcm mana kau tahu?’ ‘tahu lah. Aku pun dapat jugak’. Slowly, I’m getting used to your jokes, and even made similar jokes.

It was that Saturday, when we started talking seriously. I told you about my housemate issues, about my family, why I chose Pharmacy, and a lot more. Well, you kept asking, and I like answering to you anyway. So naturally, you started talking about yourself as well. So I got to know that you graduated from UiTM, ahh no wonder you’re so good at your job, you studied well too. So I got to know why you chose Pharmacy too, why you live so far away, what was your dream when you were little, how long have you worked here, and a lot more. When I’m happy or too happy, like extremely, I always said or did things that I might regret later, which I also did on that day. I really hope you didn’t judge me badly and I didn’t get on your bad side. The day after that went better actually, we got a lot closer so I’m really happy. You know, you made me like you even more.

I’m glad that I always went to you, because then you kept telling me stories. You did became comfortable with me too, right? You randomly told me the story of the day your motorbike went down, then your phone fell and got crushed by cars, you felt so tired that day that you just wanted to sleep so you rented a motel. You were laughing while remembering the story, so cute. You know, I really like seeing you laugh. Then I told you about how my car went down few weeks after I got here and how I don’t have anybody here. I thought you weren’t really listening to my story, but the next day, you asked more about my car. Ahh so you were curious about my story too, or am I delusioning? Then later that evening, you continued you motorbike story, randomly ofc, saying that you bought toothbrush, took a shower at the motel, and just went to sleep because you were too tired. But you forgot to turn off the light. You said ‘aku terus tido, tak ingat aku tutup lampu ke tak sbb penat sangat. Nasib baik takde hantu’, and I laughed like crazy, because that’s how your story always ended like. You even asked if my rented house ada hantu ke tak. So I responded, ‘mana kau tahu takde hantu?’ ‘sbb aku tak tutup lampu hahaha’. You know what, I laughed for the whole day. I don’t know if it was because I found your jokes very entertaining, or I just like you too much.

Few days ago, you friend told me that you already like someone else. I didn’t tell anyone that I like you btw, he sort of, just told me so yeah. I don’t know what to feel and how to feel at that time. Honestly, I was sad, but I still hope he was mistaken. I don’t really know if I even have a chance with you, but I really hope I do. But now, it seems like I don’t. So, should I give up on you? Should I move on, like I always did? Should I just keep this feeling to myself, again? But then again, you made me happy by just liking you, even from far. You made me wanted to go to work everyday, you made me feel so good that I don’t even realize it’s already Sunday. You’re like, my reason.

You know, I would never confess to you, because I never did to anyone, because I don’t have the confidence to do so, because I don’t want to lose you as friend too. So I’m just going to look at you from far, then slowly this feeling will go away too, right? Like they always did. But for now, let me just like you for a little more.

See, I told you this is going to be a long one.

Because This Life is Our First Life

This drama is pretty good, and very relatable. I mean, why do we have to hesitate? Why do we have to follow what people said and not our heart? How should we know if it is bad or good if we never tried? Isn’t it better to know what our decision lead to rather than regretting to never have a chance to choose it? Isn’t it better to blame ourselves for our own decision rather than blaming someone else for their decision for us?

So this is what I think, because this is the first life for all of us, a lot of things we’re going through for the first time. Let’s just give the best out of it. Make decision that we won’t regret, even if we failed. Because that’s what make the life beautiful.

We’ll still be making a lot of decisions later, so think through it, and don’t be afraid to try.

“Because going through this life is the first time for all of us anyway” – Nam Sehee

- BECAUSE THIS IS OUR FIRST LIFE END -

I'm Blown Away

I’ve been writing quite often now. So, I’m currently watching ‘While You Were Sleeping’ and honestly, I don’t have high expectation from it. Maybe it was just another ‘typical Lee Jongsuk Drama’ but still, Lee Jongsuk was my first actor crush after watching ‘I Hear Your Voice’ and that drama is still on my No. 1 best drama ever so I decided to just watch it. I mean, I’ve watched a lot of Lee Jongsuk’s drama and I just love all of them. Most of his dramas were really good and I trust his type of drama.

So while watching this drama, I can’t help but feeling amazed by every scenes, every cases, every characters they portrayed. It’s like, the sequel for ‘I Hear Your Voice’, the sequel that I’ve been waiting for years. I don’t know it’s Lee Jongsuk or SBS that made the drama awesome, but their combination is the best. There’s other dramas like ‘Hello Monster’, ‘The Girl who Sees Smells’ and ‘Yongpal’ that gives similar vibes to typical Lee Jongsuk Drama (I hear your voice, Pinocchio, Doctor Stranger, W), where every episodes has different cases and I can’t help but being curious of the case and it never fails to blow me away.

There’s this one case that I still remember for ‘I Hear Your Voice’. They were twins arrested for murdering after robbing a store. One twin claimed that he didn’t know his brother would kill the man. So one became suspect and one became witness. While investigating, the lawyer got to know that the twins actually planned for it, they were accomplice. So the lawyer decided to work with the prosecutor, claimed the twin to be guilty, and used the other twin’s testimony to act as evidence against him. They got both twins arrested. The chief said, “You did well today, but today you were not a lawyer, you were a prosecutor”. You know the difference? Prosecutor put the suspect in jail, but lawyer save the client regardless whether they did the crime or not. It’s the lawyer’s responsibility to protect their client. If the criminal was released despite committing the crime, it’s the prosecutor’s fault, and not the lawyer despite the lawyer knowing the client did the crime.

Then this one case in ‘While You Were Sleeping’. A famous person (woman) died and nobody has come to her house except for one guy who came to fix the internet. He became the prime suspect. Everyone is preparing to punish him, but there were no evidence of him killing the woman, but there were also no evidence that he didn’t kill the woman. While the prosecutor tried to indict him, they couldn’t find any evidence to proof him guilty. But the whole nation wanted that guy to be punished. It would be easier for the prosecutor to indict him, but if he’s innocent, then the prosecutor should prove his innocence. Because prosecutor doesn’t belong to any side but the truth.

So this has actually corrected my perception of prosecutor. And of course, I’m blown away by the case and how they solve it. Watch it if you’re curious because it’s really a long case.

“We prosecutors should not turn innocent people into criminals” – Park Dae Young            

WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING EPISODE 10

I have a story

Remember when I said I like writing? To be honest, I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I’ve tried to write tons of time. But then one day, I realized, I can’t write. I have nothing to write about. I want to write a good story, but nothing came to my mind. When I thought of a good story, then I lost my way while writing, and it just vanished. Sometimes, it just became some stories that I’ve seen or read, like, some stories that I just copied. Because I don’t know what to write. So I kept this blog, so that I can write whenever I felt like writing, and whatever I wanted. Just write freely, that’s more than enough. 

So, now that I’m finally writing again, let me tell you this story. 

I have a friend, she’s always thinks of others. Whatever happened to her, she always thought that it was her fault. She always blamed herself and sometimes punished herself.

Then there is this one guy that always thinks of himself. Whatever happened to him, it was never his fault, it was always others and there’re always someone to be blamed.

Their house are quite close to each other, not more than 10 minutes by car I guess. So, this boy often asked for a ride from this girl. This girl, being nice as always, always give him a ride, without any charge. Often, this girl would have to wait for the boy outside his apartment, usually around 10 minutes, but sometimes more, and sometimes she just turn off her car engine because it took too long. Then this one day, the girl was late, so she rushed as fast as she could to pick up the boy. When she arrived, the boy said, “Lambatnya. Lama tau tunggu”. And the girl kept apologizing. The story just ended like that, with the boy blaming the girl, and the girl kept blaming herself.

Weird right? That these kind of people actually exist. Someone too selfless, and someone too selfish. While she was telling me the story, and while I was telling her stop being too good, she just realized, why was it her fault? Why did she kept blaming herself? She had never complained to have wait for the boy before, never did the boy apologize after kept her waiting. Why was it her fault?

Because that’s how she thinks, and because that’s how the boy thinks. Honestly, she would never realize that if I hadn’t told her.

People are different. The way they think, and the way they live their life are different. So never tell them you understand, because you never really do. Instead, tell them what their fault is so they can fix it. So I told the girl to be a bit selfish, to think of herself too, and never let people step on her. Luckily, the girl stop blaming herself too much. But the boy still blamed others, because nobody told him what his fault was.

Your courage was a small coal that you kept swallowing

I think I’m better now. I used to have this huge stage fright that made me so afraid of talking to a large crowd. I’m not really sure if I had those anymore, but most probably I still have it. But we don’t do powerpoint presentations anymore so I can’t really test myself. And I don’t even know why I had such fear. Suddenly, I just can’t make eye contacts, I have to stick to my script or I’ll went blank and if people starts asking questions, I’ll be shivering and my heart just beats like I’ve just run a marathon or something. Weird.

Lately, we’ve been doing a lot of poster presentations. Like, tons of them. And I just have to present to one evaluator at a time. Weirdly, I found myself not nervous at all. Well, with tons of practice ofc, I can never do things spontaneously, I just can’t. So during the poster presentations, I’m so relax, everything I practiced just went smoothly, and when the evaluator asked some questions, whether I can answer it or not, my heartbeat just remain the same. Weird.

I thought I’m getting better. But then I realized something. Because I was confident. When there were too many people, there’ll be lots of expectations, and I tend to think of what others might think of me and that kindda make me feel anxious. But when I knew who my evaluator would be, and I’m prepared for that particular person, I can be confident.

Everything was going so well, just a little bit too well, and guess what, on my last presentation, the evaluator will be someone I’d want to avoid the most. I don’t think I can be confident anymore. I think I’m going to ruin it. The anxiety is killing me. And I don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to be brave, to be strong, when you’re so scared.

So I decided to watch movie HAHAHA. To the Bone. It’s really good honestly. Not curing my nervousness though but still good enough to make me forget about it for a moment. I need that. That’s what I always do anyway. Rather than trying to overcome it, I just run and hide then forget about it.

Let’s just go through this, one last time. Why is it so hard. Even while writing this, my heart is beating like crazy. I’m so scared.

I’m Gonna Call You Keith

So, I have just finished this amazing movie ‘Keith’. Well, I finished it at 4 AM last night so I wasn’t able to write after the movie ended as I needed my sleep. So, what about this movie? Please don’t read this if you haven’t watch the movie, I’m thinking of writing some spoilers here. And trust me, the movie is beyond amazing.

So, why Keith? Actually, the character Keith reminds me a lot of you. Keith was like so mysterious, full of secrets, never really let anyone pierce into him or his life, full of theories and ideas, pretends that he was dumb but actually a genius, and didn’t truly show his emotion. Just like you. Or maybe the old you, if you have changed, or grew up.

He played roleplay randomly, just like you used to. He just did everything and anything that crossed his mind, and just had fun. He would give this amazing quotes and theories, well, you know what you used to be like, right. You would always have theories of everything, and was like the most genius person I’ve ever met. I don’t know if you really was observing everything or just simply talking garbage (I wanted to write sh*t but it won’t be appropriate). Then you would give amazing advises and quotes, and I would just be wowed by it. How can a twelve years old boy (until fifteen I think) be so matured and cool and amazing? Keith said that he’d just want to drive his yellow truck that he loved so much and doesn’t think much of his future. Well, you always wanted to be a postman because you don’t like to work in cramped office, you wanted to work outdoors with the breeze, while riding your motorcycle. Well, at least you have a dream of your own, no matter how bizarre and nonsense it is, you just don't care, or don't want to care. Keith and you always had everything planned that only you guys know. Nobody can really figure out what's going on inside the head of yours. And then you would just do it, as you pleased. You guys don't really give presents, instead, you guys gave meanings and feelings. Keith gave a part of his truck engine for Natalie to just assemble and figure it out herself. While you, you gave things like sim card, bread clip, and poem. I'm sure there's some more but I just couldn't really remember. So if you asked me what I wanted for birthday or anything, I wouldn't ask for materials but I would ask for meanings and feelings. Because that is you. Both of you have so many secrets, so mysterious like nobody should know what’s deep inside you guys. Keith’s big secret was that he had cancer and was dying. I don’t know what your big secret is but at least you don’t have cancer, I hope.

I had so many things to write yesterday but I can’t think of anything today that I feel like this writing is really bad. But one thing I really want you to know, that you’re amazing and I’m glad I met you. I’ve been idolized you ever since I knew you, until now actually. You’re just, different. No matter how many people I’ve met in my life, nobody can be compared to you. You’re simply just amazing. Trust me, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I hope you still have those in you. Well, you still give me good advises, you still have those theories, and you still talks garbage so yeah, probably you’re still the same.

"We're here in a yellow truck a road ahead of us and nothing but opportunities" - Keith

Just Another Scribble

Hey. You know, I’ve been thinking of something that I really want to do. At first, I wasn’t really sure of the road I’m taking, like, do I really want to be in medical field? Do I really like science? Do I really want to work in a hospital? Well, actually, yeah, that was like my ultimate dream since I was like eleven. But I have this fear of bloods and wounds so I prefer not to be a doctor though I used to think that I’m good enough and capable of being a doctor. So here I am, choosing a career path of a pharmacist. It wasn’t so bad, well, it’s really exhausting and sometimes I feel like this is too tough for me but overall, I kindda enjoying it.

But what do I really enjoy? Writing. I don’t know since when but I really enjoy writing. So that’s why this blog never really dies. I haven’t updated much since I don’t really have the time lately. But I really enjoy writing. Not the fiction type or novel stuffs, just writing. I like the sound that it makes everytime I clicked on the keyboard. I like to just imagine things and sometimes (well most of the time actually) I talked to myself pretending like I’m talking to someone. And I like it when I write whatever that comes to my mind. Like, just scribbling around my feelings.

Should I start on a travel blog? Since I travel a lot. But I’m not really the type of person who writes on something solid. I just like to write what’s on my mind at the time and let it flow, like now. So I don’t know if this is ever going to be a career though my father will give his full support if I wanted to be a writer. But I just don’t have the courage and confidence in myself. I don’t think I’m good enough. So I’m just gonna write as a hobby. Since I’m in movie mode this semester break (I’ve been watching like, four movies each day), I might want to write more.

Ps; just finished watching a movie about a writer, so yeah, that triggered me to write. I really want to write on depression next but the feeling hasn’t come yet (finished watching The Art of Getting By, It’s Kindda Funny Story, and According to Greta which all are about depression and they’re really good)

So, I’m either be writing about it or not.

I don’t know if anybody ever read this, but tbh, I read it. I love my writing. And I really want to remember this a few years later. So, gonna let it jeojang in here.